You would never hang yourself from fishing line and expect to die You were too smart for that You took the parring knife out of your father's tackle box You cut lengthwise so that they couldn't stitch you back together But God, did we try I held you like a child until the paramedics came, clutching your arms shut and humming sweetly over the crying- - In case that was the last thing that you heard I wonder if you're watching me condense your room into boxes right now Your mother couldn't do it She couldn't turn your life into a storage room, and I understand that Your scholarship to that graphic design school came in the mail two days later That was not a pleasant phone call I'm not even your family But your death was a grenade and it didn't just hurt you I walk around school and see shrapnel sticking out of everyone Everyone wants me to take a few days off but I can't It ***** but I need to keep going because I believe in my life I understand why you did it; I can imagine you walking through your garage, thinking of the easiest way to go, Maybe you were even crying, but that's not really your style I don't think you understand how weak you were in that second, the one where the tip of the knife actually hit your skin I don't think you realize how selfish it was I wonder if you were able to see me run in as you were falling Maybe you didn't even know that I loved you, but God, I loved you Maybe you get to see Rome now, like you always wanted to Or maybe you're in Heaven, or Hell, Or maybe there's nothing, and that's what you wanted I hope you got what you wanted because I can't get your blood out from under my nails. You have infected my life with yourself, and that's forever now I still remember your jacket... The green and black one in some box in some storage locker somewhere Your mother covered your arms in bandages, and then decided against and open casket It was like you were flowing out of yourself Maybe it was freeing, just for that second before it ended I don't know That is the only honest answer I can think of when I ask if you're really gone You could have lived forever Now, you only live until I wash your image out of my head They hired someone to wash you off of the floor They didn't let me into the ambulance I had so much time with you, and then suddenly, I didn't For some reason, it's cold outside whenever I think of you You were the snow that made the cold worthwhile I'm moving to Arizona next month so that I don't have to see your shadow around every corner You vaporized Your breath exists in photographs You used to smile