My thoughts have been
closer to you lately.

My tongue, my mouth
beg to help me speak of you.

My arms, they want to reach out
and ask you to help them hold us together.

But I keep thinking
I'm being ridiculous.

I talk about anything and everything else,
to keep the swelling down.

I glued my arms to my side
to stay still like good little children.

Living like this is a cold existence.
I want to scream, I want to dance, I want to fly to a made-up world.
I want to climb mountains and lift cars and breathe fire.
Sometimes I think I can.
Mostly, I know I can never.

For a second yesterday,
we had fallen into our old pattern.
Become our old selves again.
It was warm, familiar, sweet.
It brought me up and I soared like an eagle.

But it didn't last long.
One, two, three messages and you were gone again.
I fell harder than I ever have before.
I'll have to face you again tomorrow,
and I'll know that you will pretend it didn't happen.

Sometimes I wonder if you're not pretending.
Maybe you have multi-personality disorder.
Because the You that I see with Her
and the You that I talked to yesterday
do not exist parallel to one another like they should.

I hope you fill up her whole brain,
and drive her insane because there never seems to be an end.

I hope you fill up her mouth,
with ten thousand secrets she will never tell.

I hope she aches to be
next to you for any amount of time at all.

I know that she will never have to wonder,
"What could have,
what should have,
what would have,
Together been like?"

If I could reverse time,
if I would have known that she was going to show up
I would have welcomed my thoughts about you.
I would have told you everything I knew and then some.
I would have hugged you one million times over.
And then,
then she would be the one wondering.