at this point in my life I still haven't figured out my purpose yet. Some of my friends act like they do, but probably don't. Some of my worst flaws is my obsession with escaping reality which usually causes problems, but who can blame me? Nobody will ever understand how difficult it is to live the way I do, everything I try I eventually hate. I haven't been proud of myself since late 2014 for taking a step towards my pursuit of happiness which got me out of the rut I'd call depression and suicidal tendencies. It's been two years without a suicidal thought and honestly life is great, however The difficulty of living for me is truly my anxiety and probably undiagnosed behavioral issues I probably should seek guidance on but, who knows. My anxiety isn't a crutch for me to build excuses for my actions, it's far worse. My anxiety causes me to feel tense constantly and causes my constant paranoia, it makes me skip meals, and eventually ruins just about everything for me. It causes me to constantly complain and it causes me to never truly rest. My anxiety is the devil on my shoulder and I just can't get him to leave. It truly digs the deepest when I am confronted about the issues it causes for me because I too want to change those things about me that it brings out but I can't, and that's what scares me. I can't figure out how to fix these flaws. Most recommend medication and prescriptions for it but prescription dependency is too much of a dark road for me (not that I've ever had an addiction problem). Some people think anxiety is an excuse but it's not. It's the reason I haven't had fingernails since I discovered biting them off helped me not shake. It's the reason why the inside of my cheeks have abrasions since i constantly chew on it when I get nervous. It's the reason why I can't figure out what my purpose is, Because that devil tells me everyday, give up.

This devil
Ball and chain
A key made of addiction
that only works temporarily
I want him to go away
But I'm scared of him
And what he would say
His hands clenched tight around my neck
But left no mark
His tail drew a trail
To lure me in the dark
I wish he'd tell me everything is alright
But he won't
Because if he did
he'd eventually just tell me he's lying.
I want this devil to leave
I want this devil to let me be
I want this devil to give me my thoughts
I want this devil to stop




*Disclaimer: this isn't a cry for help, this isn't woe is me. These are my thoughts.