5 AM Thoughts ://

If there's one thing that I learned from the past that I went through, he made me want to try to be a better person. Maybe it was for him, at first. But then I realized, no matter how long and how hard I try, I'll never be enough for that person. So all I need to do is just try to be a better person for myself, not for anyone's sake.

I remember how I used to stay up all night to cry and pin myself to my pillow for a few consecutive months. I still could hear all the words he said in the back of my head, rehashing arguments of how he could never understand how I felt about us.

I remember how I could drop everything just to be by his side. I remember how I could try to give him anything that I could possibly give in order to make him happy, even when the situations told me not to.

and that's what happens when you truly care about someone. You want to make them happy. You put their happiness' above yours, even when people told you it's freaking stupid to put one's happiness above yours.

But, again. You truly loved him. Even when he did not. Even when he yelled at you. Even when he called you names. All the manipulations make you think that you're happy with him, when the truth is you're being pathetic trying to scratch the ground off with your bare hands, trying to dig deep, trying so hard to make him happy. But as always, it takes two to tango. and if he can't dance with your jam, neither can you.

and one day, it hit you again
and you'll remember loving him,
all of the good ****
and all of the bad ****, too
But as soon as you realized that you were truly in love with him,
you forget how to heal

People have different ways to heal themselves. Sometimes it's a short period of time, sometimes it's a long period of time. Sometimes it involves the third party, a new one. and sometimes, some people don't need a new one in order to heal.

What about me? for what I have now, I still don't know how much time I need to heal myself from the scratches I got. It took me a year to realize, this is gonna take longer than I thought it would.

and I swear to God,
I promised myself ; "I'll heal, I'll heal"
but it's a lot more than just that

and I thought I have healed,
but then, I realized I haven't healed at all

because in my sleep,
I still see him in my dreams
over, and over,
again.

at last, I'm gonna quote Beyoncé here ;
"but you're just a boy,
and you don't understand how it feels to love a girl,
someday, you'll wish you were a better man

you don't listen to her, and you don't care how it hurts
until you lose the one you wanted, cause you've taken her for granted
and everything you have got destroyed"