I used to be unsure,
Did this and that to ‘find myself’.
I used to have changing feelings,
Happy now and again, and sad, too.
I used to try my best,
Get it all done, done well, then play.
I used to have boundaries,
Don’t touch me there; I’m not taking that.
I used to care what people thought,
Apologizing and laughing when appropriate.
I used to have interests and desires,
Be what I should, I want to know more.
**** that.
Now , I know what I am,
Monstrous and dangerously alone.
Now, I feel very little,
Usually numb or apathetic.
Now, I do what I feel okay with,
A little here and there, sometimes all.
Now, I can’t say no,
Do what you want, give me what you have.
Now, you can all go to hell,
Approval is overrated and I hate you anyway.
Now, I know what I want and need,
Give me a journal and a pen.
Give me cigarettes and coffee.
Give me *** and *****
Give me an idea and a place to go.
Give me a story and somewhere to write.
Give me nothing.
It’s already there.