I just don't know what to do.

I spent a whole week watching sad movies and crying because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't help but want you. It's been over a year since we broke up. And you hurt my feelings so much that week... I finally poured my heart out to you... and you were so ******* mean. You said you weren't interested in me, nor will you ever be. And those words cut deep..... I didn't think I would ever be able to toughen up and see you, but I did. And I was afraid to say anything wrong because you seemed so angry and I just wanted to bring back to life all that we had let die in the past year.... you were my first everything basically and I know it seemed like I threw it all away.... but I never let it go. And it still makes my heart beat a little faster. Makes my chest hurt. Makes me have that feeling in my stomach where I think I have to **** but I'm just nervous and stressed because I know I messed things up so long ago and I still haven't had any closure.

Things got more confusing last weekend when we hung out. I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted to. And I missed you. And I was just waiting for something to happen. I didn't think your life in the city was so freakin boring, but then again, you isolated yourself while you were with her, so you don't necessarily have any close friends. That night was pretty rad. I showed you what I had been doing to forget you when I came to the city. And you liked it. And I didn't think you would because you wouldn't even dance w me at prom and here we were at some random club in the sketchy part of town, drunk, and grinding. You were grabbing my hips. I was grabbing yours as well. And we danced the night away. And that sounds so cliche but it happened . And you were fine to drive but you stayed the night anyways. And I couldn't sleep because I knew the love of my life was literally inches away.... and I couldn't bring myself to touch you.... until the next morning when I woke you up because I was tired of not sleeping. Tired of laying there freezing cold knowing I had a warm body next to me. One so familiar and so beautiful.... and I didn't have to do much... because you embraced me and we both watched the room fill up with light and we didn't say much because the silence was nice... and you kept me warm and I never let you hold me so much... the moment was so bitter sweet and I knew something like this wouldn't happen again for a very long time. Our faces grew closer and closer until we were touching lips but not quite kissing yet... and before I knew it, our lips were dancing, our hands were wandering, and I couldn't quite take it all in. It was all so natural. And raw. I remember looking in your big brown eyes.... finding the person I left over a year ago. After everything, the walls were down. And I knew I never wanted to be touched by another soul.... I never wanted to share anything beautiful with anyone else.

I also knew you didn't feel this deeply about me anymore and it crushed the **** out of my heart. I knew this moment was bound to end and I had the power to say when. I knew we couldn't lay on this ******* pull out couch forever. But I wish we could've.