What does it mean?

Here it is, after the tumble
Where the cycles stopped spinning
It's held tightly to avoid fumble
But who is really winning?

Lies placate the biggest drives
And then there's sort of ease
Try to restart by complaining
Though this used to be release

This used to be the real place
The end goal that was shining brightly
Was it the thrill of the race?
That stimulated nightly

Mattresses are on my face
Weighing into my throat like some cake
Though my sadness is erased
Why do I want what's fake?

The real things I have make me smile
But then they just upset me
I've come so far, mile after mile
But I really wasn't ready

It's too soon to feel ok
Because I need some just turmoil
I'm acting well inside this play
But I want the snake to coil

Come attack me if you please
To save me from this heaven
Take my love and make it freeze
And make me how I had been

Why'd I crawl out from the dark
To be blinded by the light?
I want to run into the dark
And just say goodnight

If I fell and couldn't move
I would stay and get attention
Then I'd make you happy too
And resume the low suspension

The feeling is already gone
And I've created a plateau
Nobody ever told me
That I'd want to go back down below

Feelings drive me fast at night
Crashing more, now than ever
When I wake up and lose sight
I'll roll back and say whatever

Everything is the opposite
I want to go back down to feeling badly
I am not a hypocrite
But a master of duality

It means I don't know how to accept