I am free from the clutches of Sir Robert K N
Or am I
I still think about him
How I hate ****** the hell out of him the last time I was with him
He came into my life when I needed some attention
at first it was so exciting
he told me how beautiful and wonderful I was
told me he wanted to start a relationship with me
Never really told me any of this in person
text messaging
he could say anything he wanted on that format
I played all the classic “girl mistakes”
asked him what his intentions were
asked where is this going?
Told him I cared about him too soon
I fell for his early charms
but noticed the deep flaws of his controlling personality
I was drawn to him but it was so toxic for me
I was attracted to his height and how he seemed to pay attention to me at first
I found him to be a womanizer
the things he said made me want to puke
the sweet honey of lies turned to rotten ***** in my ear
he would come and go
nothing was concrete
I tried my best to communicate my points
I did the best job I could
My points were of no interest to him
I finally cried about it today
I looked in the mirror while I did so
I looked so beautiful and vulnerable and strong
I am still confused and I still want to know more
is it my nature to look for abuse or mistreatment?
Do I think love exists where there is none but only for a hope?
I began to notice all the unhealthy things about this man
not things a woman of child bearing age looks for in a partner
I don’t want to be led along
I don’t want my time to be wasted
I don’t want to feel controlled
I don’t want to feel like I'm a crazy girl
I'm not going to voice what I want again and again
I said it once and tried many more times
I cannot compromise my needs and values
He would not and could not deliver
It still makes me sick to think of him
It still makes me sick to think of how foolish I was
to try to believe
to try to put my faith in something so false
Will it feel better when it is right with some other man in the future?
Was this an important lesson for me to learn?
I still want answers
God, give me the strength to let it all go