i used to live another life.
i use to wake up from not sleeping every morning,
look in the mirror, and crave a blade.
i use to cross my eyes when my eyes were closed,
just to feel the world tilt and slide, because then,
maybe,
my brain will catch up and stop tilting and sliding around in my own head.

i used to scream and cry at night, silenced by my own fist in my mouth.
i used to wake up from not sleeping to cuts,
indents in my thigh from my own fingernails.
i use to close my eyes when someone passed me by,
just so they couldn’t see how empty mine felt.

i used to smile and laugh and not feel a ******* thing.
i use to wake up from falling asleep next to somebody,
anybody,
and wonder when the next time i’d get normal sleep would be.
i use to hold my eyelids closed with my hands,
because i was too scared to close them myself.

i used to live another life; i used to be another person.
when i wake up at night, and all i need is someone,
anyone,
i want to turn away from you.
i want you to know me as i am now.
i don’t want to be the shattered one, the one that needs fixing.
i want the chance to be whole.
i want you to not know everything you know.

i realize, though, that it doesn’t matter.
i’ll hide it all from you, the big stuff,
how i’m afraid to sleep,
afraid to walk by myself,
afraid i will lose myself-
in the effort to move away from my old self.
i’ll hide all of that from you, the important stuff,
because who has time for another person, anyway?
in the end, we’re all concerned with i.

i’m sad,
i’m scared,
i’m lonely,
i’m hungry,
i’m angry,
i’m tired,
i’m drunk,
i’m sober,
i’m high.
i’m low.

i will hide it all from you, because i don't want you to see me broken.
i don't want you to see me as the person i was.
i want to be new, and whole, and lovable,
and i want to be the one who helps,
not the one who needs help.
no one lets me be her.
won't you?