my mother asked me what my radio show theme was this week
and I told her it was songs that I like to drive through the mountains to
she laughed at me
"how often do you drive through the mountains?"
"what an oddly specific theme"
she doesn't know that I spent an hour driving in circles last night  at 1 am
because I wanted nothing more than to disappear
she doesn't know that every time I get in my car
the chances of me not coming back increase a little more

when I think about going to work
my lungs collapse
I think each time I cross that threshold
I lose a piece of myself
that I'll never get back
I long to work for a florist
because I think they must be gentle people
who understand that the world is a beautiful place
and I think I need that

my father took away my matches
so now all I have is a rubber band

I've hollowed myself out it seems
perhaps unintentionally
I feel at peace among the mountains
I'm okay with being a valley

someday the rains will fill me
and I won't be so empty anymore