Aug 2016
I sat at the Lighthouse and looked at the sky
feeling the breeze caressing my spine
little did I know this would be the last time
that I would sit on these rocks in the early july
I felt like an oyster on the half shell
hearing the wind in the trees casting their spell
The bouy rocking and ringing its bell
the sunrise is effortless painted pastel
life was so easy then
2005
I wish I had loved you then
when life was simple
and love was easy
when you and I were young enough to stay
over at each other's houses and
talk all night
on the mattress we dragged out in front of the tv
2010
I wish I had loved you then
When love was awkward, small
and we were innocent
When we could look into each others eyes
and know that we were too scared
to hold hands even in public
and was lost when you kissed me
2016
Im glad we love each other now
when we're both sixteen and I learn to drive
and you text me when I got home
when you hold my hand without shame
to and tell our parents for our first time
when you kiss my nose
and clumsily love me
and even then that fades
from contact daily to a nod in the halls
why do I love rejection
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why are we pending
why is it that I cant see a volvo without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared and alone
why do I let your rejection become me
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath the envelope that used to take my breath away for another reason
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at
feeling the breeze caressing my spine
little did I know this would be the last time
that I would sit on these rocks in the early july
I felt like an oyster on the half shell
hearing the wind in the trees casting their spell
The bouy rocking and ringing its bell
the sunrise is effortless painted pastel
life was so easy then
2005
I wish I had loved you then
when life was simple
and love was easy
when you and I were young enough to stay
over at each other's houses and
talk all night
on the mattress we dragged out in front of the tv
2010
I wish I had loved you then
When love was awkward, small
and we were innocent
When we could look into each others eyes
and know that we were too scared
to hold hands even in public
and was lost when you kissed me
2016
Im glad we love each other now
when we're both sixteen and I learn to drive
and you text me when I got home
when you hold my hand without shame
to and tell our parents for our first time
when you kiss my nose
and clumsily love me
and even then that fades
from contact daily to a nod in the halls
why do I love rejection
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why are we pending
why is it that I cant see a volvo without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared and alone
why do I let your rejection become me
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath the envelope that used to take my breath away for another reason
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at
