I was a game of Janga
In its last writhe.
A structure with no solid base.
I don't know if I was born like that
Or if somewhere along the way I got lost.
I think I always sensed it.
However I was always too busy looking forward
I didn't bother to make sure that I had all of me.
I didn't.
Now memories make me angry
They seem like a picture I don't remember taking
But can imagine why I did.
Decisions I'd made then make me scold myself
Over and over and over.
I wanna stare eleven year old me in the eyes and scream
"NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO LOVE YOU LIKE I WILL, so please, stop searching."
You carry the missing piece.
Stop looking forward and look within you.
I'm 20 years old.
Finally I can see.
I never took the precious time to build my own foundation.
I spent forever wanting someone to build it for me.
But if you want something done right
You've got to do it yourself.
I didn't need a boy to look at me like I'm all the world is capable of creating.
I needed to hold eye contact with my own **** self long enough to say "I love you."