I'm on a constant search for a character to play.
I'm always looking for a new personality to absorb, for a being that I can study inside and out.
Someone to mimic. Someone to portray. Someone to become.
Every book I read, every film I see, every character I encounter. No matter what, I always find someone I wish to personate (yes, it is a word).
Actor's curse I guess.

Perhaps it's because I don't like myself very much.
Or, perhaps, it's because I don't know myself very much.

With each new person I encounter that captures my interest, whether it be in literature or film or other areas of culture, I begin to study them.
I learn everything about them there is to know, all through observation.
I listen to what they say, and how they say it.
I watch the way they walk, and their posture when they stand, and the way their faces compress and twist when interacting with others.
I notice their mannerisms, and their habits, and examine the way they fit into the world around them.

Then, I get inside their heads.
I dissect every bit of information I have about the individual, and use it to discover all that I can about their mind, their spirit, their ambitions, their soul.
I ask myself, what does everything I've observed about this person, say about them?
What is their purpose, and their motivation?
What are they striving for?
How do they feel about themselves, and about others, and about the state of the world?
How would they handle this situation, or that one?
What are their thoughts when this or that happens?
And in regards to each of the above, why? What are the things that have made them who they are?

And finally, to the best of my ability, I take on that persona.

I suppose I enjoy this process so much because these are the things I do not notice and the questions I cannot answer about myself.
I do not know my own purpose, and I have no motivation, and I cannot tell you why I feel that love is both a feeling and a conscious effort, or that life is not about a goal or a dream or even your own happiness, or that the universe is alive yet numb simultaneously. These are issues I cannot tackle within my own head.
For I do not know myself.
I know that I feel that I am incomplete, and that there is more to myself that is currently missing. But of the pieces I have, there are not many that I am overly
familiar with, or for that matter, overly fond of.
But I do believe that I can find these missing fragments of myself in the personalities I adopt.

In the theatre we have a saying, that "The hardest role to play is yourself."
This is because it's easier to get to know, to understand, and to defend the people in your script than it is yourself. But through getting to know who they are, you discover more about who you are.
In each character I play, I find a piece of myself. And when the show is over, and the character is gone from me, that piece stays. It is with me always.
That is to say, that I am not entirely myself, but also every character I have portrayed.
They are me, and I am them, and I know their happiness and their sorrow and their triumphs and their defeats, more intimately than I know my own.

I am not very good at playing myself, because myself is incomplete. But I'm fairly good at finding myself through my love of other personas.