Jul 2016
Mother may I, please…
Go to bed tonight
Without being afraid of you
Mother may I, please…
Not be so happy that you are gone
And wish that you would stay away forever
Just hope that you’d finally die
And end our misery
I love her
But I hate who she is
What she has made of me
She tried to bribe an apology with a $5 bill
As though that was supposed to dry my tears or heal my broken lip
I never quite got over that one
So strong is this imagery, that is almost completely overshadows any tenderness
I am terrified that I will repeat her mistakes with my son
And become a parent too much like my own, without thinking about it
They say home is where your heart is
But, I’m afraid to go home
Where your roots grow
The seed of all evil is planted
Fed by tainted water
How can you have so much rage and love for the same person?
This is a person I remember smacking me in the face at 8 years old for not holding up a curtain rod properly
Because I was too short to reach it
And the same mother who would walk me down the concrete path to the majestic sundial sculpture and pick through sea shells in the sand at the beach
This is the mother I want to remember
The darkness so overwhelms the light
That all I can remember of my childhood is the beatings…
And the frustrations…
And the anger…
As I’ve held knives to my arms
Or pictured my brains painted on the wall
I’ve wondered about where I came from
How I got to where I am sitting
Void of compassion and full of rage
And asked
If she ever had these same moments after her beatings
Or on the streets when she ran
I feel as though I suffer from some form of survivor’s guilt
Although I suffered some abuse
When I hear other’s stories
Mine never seems to measure up
That maybe mine wasn’t so bad
It could have been worse
That’s how I describe my family
And the ******* happy years of my childhood
It could have been worse
I thank you for not being as bad as you could have been
But that’s not the same as being good
The lesser of two evils
Is still evil
Yeah, it could have been a lot worse
But, that doesn’t make me close my eyes at night
And stop the memories…
The pain…
The fear
That I’ll wake up and be that 8 year old boy again
Terrified of his own mother
The nervous tension of never waking up
Or worse yet,
Of actually waking up
And setting her off again
Why the hell do parents do such stupid **** to their kids?
Your kids never get over it
It just sits there and festers
And rots away all the warm and fuzzies I have for you
*******
And your ****** life
And everything you put me through
And everything you went through
This needs to get out there
I won’t hide from it anymore
It’s not my shame
It’s hers.
This rage I blame on you
Maybe it is a function of mental illness
The mania was always there
And maybe you were just a trigger
But still…
It only takes one well-placed trigger
To completely blow through someone’s life
My memories are a mask of bruises and shame
I am an incomplete adult
Because I was not allowed a complete childhood
I want to live
Not feel so dead all the time
Mother may I, please…
Love you
Live happily ever after
Forgive you
Go to bed tonight
Without being afraid of you
Mother may I, please…
Not be so happy that you are gone
And wish that you would stay away forever
Just hope that you’d finally die
And end our misery
I love her
But I hate who she is
What she has made of me
She tried to bribe an apology with a $5 bill
As though that was supposed to dry my tears or heal my broken lip
I never quite got over that one
So strong is this imagery, that is almost completely overshadows any tenderness
I am terrified that I will repeat her mistakes with my son
And become a parent too much like my own, without thinking about it
They say home is where your heart is
But, I’m afraid to go home
Where your roots grow
The seed of all evil is planted
Fed by tainted water
How can you have so much rage and love for the same person?
This is a person I remember smacking me in the face at 8 years old for not holding up a curtain rod properly
Because I was too short to reach it
And the same mother who would walk me down the concrete path to the majestic sundial sculpture and pick through sea shells in the sand at the beach
This is the mother I want to remember
The darkness so overwhelms the light
That all I can remember of my childhood is the beatings…
And the frustrations…
And the anger…
As I’ve held knives to my arms
Or pictured my brains painted on the wall
I’ve wondered about where I came from
How I got to where I am sitting
Void of compassion and full of rage
And asked
If she ever had these same moments after her beatings
Or on the streets when she ran
I feel as though I suffer from some form of survivor’s guilt
Although I suffered some abuse
When I hear other’s stories
Mine never seems to measure up
That maybe mine wasn’t so bad
It could have been worse
That’s how I describe my family
And the ******* happy years of my childhood
It could have been worse
I thank you for not being as bad as you could have been
But that’s not the same as being good
The lesser of two evils
Is still evil
Yeah, it could have been a lot worse
But, that doesn’t make me close my eyes at night
And stop the memories…
The pain…
The fear
That I’ll wake up and be that 8 year old boy again
Terrified of his own mother
The nervous tension of never waking up
Or worse yet,
Of actually waking up
And setting her off again
Why the hell do parents do such stupid **** to their kids?
Your kids never get over it
It just sits there and festers
And rots away all the warm and fuzzies I have for you
*******
And your ****** life
And everything you put me through
And everything you went through
This needs to get out there
I won’t hide from it anymore
It’s not my shame
It’s hers.
This rage I blame on you
Maybe it is a function of mental illness
The mania was always there
And maybe you were just a trigger
But still…
It only takes one well-placed trigger
To completely blow through someone’s life
My memories are a mask of bruises and shame
I am an incomplete adult
Because I was not allowed a complete childhood
I want to live
Not feel so dead all the time
Mother may I, please…
Love you
Live happily ever after
Forgive you
