i rarely meet people that match me?
not that you really did
but us, we almost fit
(weird using "us", innit)
we shared so many interests
it was quite easy to pretend we shared them all
and seeing you excited,
i could just get excited for you
and vice versa

my life-line
is divided
by two fainter, thinner lines
almost perpendicular to it
on both my palms
i supposed one of them stands for the attempt
but prior to last summer,
i couldn't guess what was the purpose of the other
- now,
my life is divided
by prior-to- and post-
the whole disaster that divided me-and-you
(it's weird not using "us", innit)
prior-to-thatonedaylastjuly,
whenever i was happy,
i had so many people online but gods,
it was always you
(when i was not so happy, too)

post-thatonedaylastjuly,
i have so many people online but gods,
most of them only share a fraction of my heart
(not that i can pretend it's whole,
or that it ever could begin to be,
because who has that much glue to begin with)
and i can talk to v about queer rights,
and i can talk to k about sad nights,
and i can talk to j about comics or recipes or my cat just did that thing,
and i can talk to a about dysphoria,
and i can talk to m about that show about the boys with swords,
BUT NONE OF THEM ARE AS EXCITED
AND NONE OF THEM FEEL QUITE AS SAFE
BECAUSE YOU KNOW I GET TOO EASILY DISTRACTED
AND IF I CHANGE THE TOPIC IT WOULD GET SO AWKWARD,
GODS,

i wish i didn't miss you
then maybe we could make attempts at being friends again
and maybe i could text you on account of something silly at, like, two am
but see, i can't
because you know i get too easily distracted,
and if i change the topic it would just get real ******* awkward
and i can not account for my past-midnight ramblings
in a post-thatonedaylastjuly world, in a post-youleavingme life