Jul 2016
It all started when I was 16 the nightmares the tears the pain that I could never bare and the hateful words that would never disappear. the sleepless nights were I would beg god to save me from every **** psychologist that tried to define me. Every person saying everything will be okay like one word was suppose to make me happy.
happy, a powerful word within itself, but how do you feel happy when people constantly remind you of your imperfections. They tell me that I will never be enough, they tell me that I'm a mistake, that I will amount to nothing, that no matter how hard I try I will never be something. but the same people that tear me down are the same people who created me. I wanted to be as beautiful as my mom and as smart as my dad, but how unlucky was I to be the last one they had.
My sister got my dad's mind and my brother got my mom's look, but what did that leave me with? nothing? they define me as a hiccup, not a surprise but as a despised child. The one that they'd give away, the one that would never get treated the same, the one they would leave at school by mistake, and the one that would never define as great. but who gave them the right to define me, when does a person ever get to define another? because I sure as hell know I wont let no one tell me that I wont be something because I wasn't put on this earth to be nothing.
I was put on this earth to make a difference, I was put here to change lives, to touch hearts, to start a movement, to tell people it is okay to be different, because I was put on this earth for a purpose. In that moment I became my own hero, my own prince charming, my own friend. but all this alone time was when the depression kicked in. Depression the act of feeling sad, or so numb you'd do anything to feel, to smile, to cry. Some nights I would be so lucky to fall asleep before I fell apart, before every word said pushed me over the edge, before I'd reach my breaking point once again, before a bottle of pills would go missing from the medicine cabinet, before an episode would spark up again. An episode, that's what they would call it when you want to die, its a nicer way of saying suicide. Suicide a word a feeling an action that could have been prevented if they didn't define me as their mistake kid. but that mistake kid let me tell you, she is a fighter she is standing here telling her story unapologetic about her depression, unapologetic about her suicide attempts, unapologetic about her life, so she can preach to every young kid that your life is a God given gift.
happy, a powerful word within itself, but how do you feel happy when people constantly remind you of your imperfections. They tell me that I will never be enough, they tell me that I'm a mistake, that I will amount to nothing, that no matter how hard I try I will never be something. but the same people that tear me down are the same people who created me. I wanted to be as beautiful as my mom and as smart as my dad, but how unlucky was I to be the last one they had.
My sister got my dad's mind and my brother got my mom's look, but what did that leave me with? nothing? they define me as a hiccup, not a surprise but as a despised child. The one that they'd give away, the one that would never get treated the same, the one they would leave at school by mistake, and the one that would never define as great. but who gave them the right to define me, when does a person ever get to define another? because I sure as hell know I wont let no one tell me that I wont be something because I wasn't put on this earth to be nothing.
I was put on this earth to make a difference, I was put here to change lives, to touch hearts, to start a movement, to tell people it is okay to be different, because I was put on this earth for a purpose. In that moment I became my own hero, my own prince charming, my own friend. but all this alone time was when the depression kicked in. Depression the act of feeling sad, or so numb you'd do anything to feel, to smile, to cry. Some nights I would be so lucky to fall asleep before I fell apart, before every word said pushed me over the edge, before I'd reach my breaking point once again, before a bottle of pills would go missing from the medicine cabinet, before an episode would spark up again. An episode, that's what they would call it when you want to die, its a nicer way of saying suicide. Suicide a word a feeling an action that could have been prevented if they didn't define me as their mistake kid. but that mistake kid let me tell you, she is a fighter she is standing here telling her story unapologetic about her depression, unapologetic about her suicide attempts, unapologetic about her life, so she can preach to every young kid that your life is a God given gift.
