May 2016
4/4/16
1. True/False: You’re okay
True. There’s nothing you can’t get through.
False. You can’t remember the last time you’ve been okay, you can’t remember the last time you’ve smiled without comparing it to your tears. You’ve been snapping rubber bands against your arms for too long, trying to feel something, trying to pretend the sting was “okay.” Nothing’s been okay for a long time.
True. Only because admitting otherwise would be a failure, right?
False. No, you’re not. Is anyone?
All of the above
2. Does your past scares you?
It doesn’t scare you. You were there. You were present for every wrong path you’ve ever walked down, and you can’t fear something you know you’ve gotten through before. It weighs on you, though, your missteps drip through your brain at 2am and you can’t sleep. If you do there are no nightmares, because your past doesn’t scare you, It just holds you down.
Yes, you hide it. Your past is a skeleton that should be kept in a very deep closet. It’s what started all of this. Your past didn’t **** you, so it’s haunting your thoughts and telling yourself to finish the job. You wish you could erase it, but the past is in the past.
None of the above
3. Do you feel empty, or like you don’t really exist at all?
No. You exist. You know because you used to feel so alive when you were with him. The way you could feel your heart pressing against your ribcage every time he whispered in your ear. That was existing. That was more than existing. Your life was full of passion once, you can’t lose all of that at once. Right?
Unsure. Sometimes you exist. Sometime the feeling of the rain against your skin is enough of a reminder that you’re a part of this world. Sometimes it feels like rain is all that’s left in your chest since he walked out on you. Sometimes the rain evaporated and you’re just a ghost trapped between ribs. You can never tell for sure.
Yes. Empty, that’s the word you’ve been using to describe yourself ever since the love dripped out of your body. Your existence has to be an illusion. You’re like a constellation. Those lines connecting your soul of stars don’t really exist, but everyone wants to believe that they do. It doesn’t bother you constantly, though. You can still pretend.
Yes. You feel empty and the emptiness hurts. It feels like you’re full of smoke and broken glass. Your body is an abandoned building. It’s left for dead. Nobody lives here anymore. Nobody can.
4. How do you cope?
You don’t.
You cycle through love like fuel in my car.
Everyone in your life has an expiration date. You know it’s wrong, but it keeps you going. You like the illusion of love and passion that you get from these boys that tell you whatever you want to hear so you’ll let them touch whatever they want to touch. They can’t inhabit your wasteland of a heart, though, so you evict them before they’ve even had a look around.
You fuel your car of a body with ***** and whiskey. Oldest trick in the book. It helps you feel nothing, or it makes everything crumble around you in blurred movements and colors. It’s a no-win, but what else should you be doing?
You take it out on myself. Nobody can be at fault but you.
All of the above
5. True/False You believe you don’t deserve help
True. People have it worse. You know if you asked someone to help you they would tell you that this is exactly what you shouldn’t be thinking, but it’s true. You don’t deserve it.
False. You know you deserve it, but something’s holding you back from getting it. There’s always something holding you back
True. You see yourself as vile. You deserve everything you have against you and more. You take every insult thrown at you and hide it under your skin. You are your mistakes. You made your bed, and now you have to lay in it.
None of the above. Deserving has nothing to do with it. You don’t want it. You’re scared of it. Who even are you without the pain swirling through your ribs. You would be losing your whole identity. This ache has already taken over, it’s there to stay.
Answer Key: If you answered a-e on any of these questions, you are stronger than this. One day you’re going to think it’s done for, that you’re over. It’s going to sting and ache and you’re not going to be able to hide anymore. That’s when the relief will flood in. You’ll be able to let yourself lay in the sunlight and your mind won’t be wishing the beams were replacing your skin. You will be helped, genuinely helped, and you’ll realize that’s what you deserved this whole time.
1. True/False: You’re okay
True. There’s nothing you can’t get through.
False. You can’t remember the last time you’ve been okay, you can’t remember the last time you’ve smiled without comparing it to your tears. You’ve been snapping rubber bands against your arms for too long, trying to feel something, trying to pretend the sting was “okay.” Nothing’s been okay for a long time.
True. Only because admitting otherwise would be a failure, right?
False. No, you’re not. Is anyone?
All of the above
2. Does your past scares you?
It doesn’t scare you. You were there. You were present for every wrong path you’ve ever walked down, and you can’t fear something you know you’ve gotten through before. It weighs on you, though, your missteps drip through your brain at 2am and you can’t sleep. If you do there are no nightmares, because your past doesn’t scare you, It just holds you down.
Yes, you hide it. Your past is a skeleton that should be kept in a very deep closet. It’s what started all of this. Your past didn’t **** you, so it’s haunting your thoughts and telling yourself to finish the job. You wish you could erase it, but the past is in the past.
None of the above
3. Do you feel empty, or like you don’t really exist at all?
No. You exist. You know because you used to feel so alive when you were with him. The way you could feel your heart pressing against your ribcage every time he whispered in your ear. That was existing. That was more than existing. Your life was full of passion once, you can’t lose all of that at once. Right?
Unsure. Sometimes you exist. Sometime the feeling of the rain against your skin is enough of a reminder that you’re a part of this world. Sometimes it feels like rain is all that’s left in your chest since he walked out on you. Sometimes the rain evaporated and you’re just a ghost trapped between ribs. You can never tell for sure.
Yes. Empty, that’s the word you’ve been using to describe yourself ever since the love dripped out of your body. Your existence has to be an illusion. You’re like a constellation. Those lines connecting your soul of stars don’t really exist, but everyone wants to believe that they do. It doesn’t bother you constantly, though. You can still pretend.
Yes. You feel empty and the emptiness hurts. It feels like you’re full of smoke and broken glass. Your body is an abandoned building. It’s left for dead. Nobody lives here anymore. Nobody can.
4. How do you cope?
You don’t.
You cycle through love like fuel in my car.
Everyone in your life has an expiration date. You know it’s wrong, but it keeps you going. You like the illusion of love and passion that you get from these boys that tell you whatever you want to hear so you’ll let them touch whatever they want to touch. They can’t inhabit your wasteland of a heart, though, so you evict them before they’ve even had a look around.
You fuel your car of a body with ***** and whiskey. Oldest trick in the book. It helps you feel nothing, or it makes everything crumble around you in blurred movements and colors. It’s a no-win, but what else should you be doing?
You take it out on myself. Nobody can be at fault but you.
All of the above
5. True/False You believe you don’t deserve help
True. People have it worse. You know if you asked someone to help you they would tell you that this is exactly what you shouldn’t be thinking, but it’s true. You don’t deserve it.
False. You know you deserve it, but something’s holding you back from getting it. There’s always something holding you back
True. You see yourself as vile. You deserve everything you have against you and more. You take every insult thrown at you and hide it under your skin. You are your mistakes. You made your bed, and now you have to lay in it.
None of the above. Deserving has nothing to do with it. You don’t want it. You’re scared of it. Who even are you without the pain swirling through your ribs. You would be losing your whole identity. This ache has already taken over, it’s there to stay.
Answer Key: If you answered a-e on any of these questions, you are stronger than this. One day you’re going to think it’s done for, that you’re over. It’s going to sting and ache and you’re not going to be able to hide anymore. That’s when the relief will flood in. You’ll be able to let yourself lay in the sunlight and your mind won’t be wishing the beams were replacing your skin. You will be helped, genuinely helped, and you’ll realize that’s what you deserved this whole time.
