**** I'm so mad because I hurt myself again, I knew this was bad but I ignore my own warning
And **** near drowned myself in the potential of a ******* relationship.
What the **** is wrong with my head it's a repeated cycle of knowing the negative results and holding my hand over the fire one last time because I desire the burning feeling and the urge to pull away, but I stay because the adrenaline and pain is like my ****** and I can't get off until I'm forced away or I've reached my limit.
But part of the problem is I don't recognize limits so how can I push them if I've never recognized them.
I cannot grasp the concept of a limit because the ultimate limit is death and limits are set so it's just a imaginary figure to show strength.
And I wish I could just be like **** it and leave it in the past but I got too much anxiety for that I always think back and maybe if I would have held my hand a little closer to the fire and burned a little longer  the outcome would be a little different and our bond a lot stronger.
And if I wouldn't have smiled with the tears you would think the sadness was genuine, but I can't help it. I smile with the fear of not having the approval of the most important ***** in my life.  
I beat myself up every ******* day over the fact that I can never say that I made my parents proud.
Why the **** was I born, to stray away from the norm and find the most difficult way to set up my brain ?
It so ******* frustrating when I try to explain how I feel because my thought process makes my feelings indescribable.
And I have strong urges to throw myself into the fire and melt away because I know my limits are endless and when I escape my body I vanish into the unknown and that's what's I understand.