I never fell asleep at night
The darkness was my respirator,
The silence was the alcohol I was drowning in
To fall asleep would be to stop fighting
I would fall asleep in the car on the way home from therapy
You would turn the radio off so that it was easier
I would fall asleep in front of movies with you
I wake up, and you're still holding me

After you left, I would fall asleep at my laptop
Therapy now came in the form of hundreds and hundreds of unfinished love songs
I would fall asleep at my kitchen table
Over one cup of tea that I had burnt myself making
My bedroom would never feel safe, I could never lock the door enough times
I wake up, and I'm alone.
I would still feel your hands on my spine,
Holding me upright,
All of the days that I walked around in a nightmare that you couldn't see

I would fall asleep by the window, waiting for you to come home
I'd always known that one of those days, you weren't going to come home
I would fall asleep on the hillside facing the sun
I liked afternoons, when it was low in the sky
I liked winter evenings when the hillside was covered in snow,
Or early spring, with dandelions
I wake up and you've left me a note
You've left me all of the spare pieces of myself and they make another person
I think you've left a little bit of you, as well
Just enough to say that you were there
It's strange that I only fill half of the bed now.
Sometimes, I don't go to bed at all
I have an entire, empty house to wander
There are so many crevices in which to hide from nightmares
There's the couch that I used to fall asleep on
I can't sleep there anymore
I can't sleep in the car that I'm driving
I've thought about crashing...
But it would be unfair for me to give up so easily
I bought a new laptop, but I still can't fall asleep there
In hazy visions built from half-closed eyes, I see your face
All of the grass on the hillside passed on
I still lay there in the afternoons, but the ground is hard and the sun is blinding
You were melatonin, brushed softly into my bloodstream
You were always drowsy,
But I will always be awake