i panic a lot.

for me, life has served nothing but anxieties in the form of a single phonecall, speaking up, ordering food, deadlines, crowded places, traveling, etc.. my heart hammers against my chest in hazardous rhythm of messy drumbeats over the simplest, everyday things. but nothing scares me more than the future.

i am terrified of thinking about what lies ahead of me. the inevitable stress, worries and insecurities that ties with growing up leaves me with nothing but quickened breaths, trembling fingers i hide under tables, and a mind that screams just breathe, just breathe--and it's not silly than it is disheartening that i can only imagine the worst, a flaw i've been working to get rid of.

i'm turning eighteen. and this ******* scares me.
i wish i was excited to grow up. i wish i can say i am ready. i wish i was one of those people who can throw all caution to the wind. but i'm not, i'm never ready, and i just can't. not just yet.

but i did enjoy being seventeen. it's without a doubt my favorite age. i got better. i've learned to love myself, fully and unconditionally. i've loved better, more openly, more vocally. i've seen the glass half-empty and i've seen it half-full. i fell in love with the life i have withered in the soil for.

and while it's true that my anxieties can very much crush me, my uncertainties can add unnecessary weight to my shoulders and the unknown simply scares me, but i'll find comfort to the fact that i'm breathing, i'm still living, i'm still alive. right now, that's all that matters.

i'm honestly glad i've reached this point.

so 18.
bring it on.