Look
I'm sorry I stood you up.
I could offer lame excuses
but they would mask the real reason why I left you hanging
I stood you up because you make me nervous
You are unapologetically unique
and I'm disarmed by how open you are
I feel like I could look into your eyes and see to the depths of your soul
and I'm not sure I would understand what I saw
So I avert my eyes,
Pretend I forgot about your invitation
Pretend I lost your number
I'm not strong enough to encounter your strength
And now, with feigned indifference,
I've built up a wall between us which will be almost impossible to tear down
All because I was afraid
I was afraid of you
because you're different
But more than that
I was afraid of myself
I was afraid that your beauty would make me realize how plain I am
and was afraid of the painful self-reflection that would bring
You see, I don't understand
how to have serious conversations with people
I don't understand
how to build friendships
and something about eye contact makes me want to retreat to a safe, solitary place
I wish I could explain my selfishness and self-loathing to you
I wish I could make you understand that I stood you up
not because you're different or because I don't like you
but because I'm afraid of myself
It's not you, it's me.