I don't remember her
I saw her yesterday
her hair was a lot longer
I don't remember her
favorite color
or what she smelled like.
yes I do, blue, and red.

she wore a different perfume once and I told her
I liked it
so she wore more the next day
and i suffocated in strawberry
and held my breath when i held her hand.

she was my first kiss and i was better than she was she just sat there.
a year later she'd tell her friends i was a bad kisser.
*******.

i tried to talk to her once to make sure she didn't hate me and i got cold silence so i yelled at her and called her names because that's how you handle those kind of situations when you're fifteen and don't know anything about love.

13 months with her and all i learned about myself was that i didn't like her very much, but i liked myself too much to let her go.

her parents were very religious and told her in passing once that anyone she dates has to also be very religious. i was not religious and we had started dating six months before. she tried to get me to find God when i told her i didn't know where He was. i cried, and told my mom.

"if we're not getting married then why are we dating"
"we're in middle school"
"but whats the point if we're not gonna get married why am i wasting my time"
"the point is to have fun and figure out what it's like to be there for someone. the point is to start to try to figure out what love is supposed to be"
"maybe we shouldn't even be dating then."
"if you think that you're stupid.  you're literally 13 years old. calm down"

we dated for seven more months after that.

when we broke up she cried and i didn't, even though shes the one who broke up with me. I'm glad she did, because i probably never would've. not so much a coward as i was fourteen years old. we tried to stay friends but that never goes well, as i know all to well by now. but then, it seemed like the most possible thing in the world because we weren't everyone else. we weren't movies, we were us and we were strong and we survived 13 months.
we didn't realize that we only lasted that long because we never told each other anything.

middle school relationships are **** anyway, youre probably bored of reading about this petty **** that actually doesn't matter at all. but i guess my point is that i still remember all this ****. i still remember. i haven't spoken to her in over a year but i still remember her favorite color and how before i fell in "love" my favorite color was grey, and then it was blue. i still remember how i'd laugh at the music she listened to and she'd get mad at me. i still remember the time we got caught making out under the bleachers, which apparently is something that people actually do. i still remember sobbing on the bathroom floor over her on april fools day, and opening doors for her and sitting next to each other in Spanish class.

these are all stupid things but we were stupid then so its all we had.

i still have all of it,
so i'll still have yours too.
ill see you in two years and your hair will probably be a different color
and ill still have all of it.


i don't know if i want it.