Today there was announced
the inauguration of a scholarship
in the name of my friend
and of my friend’s death

It’s at KCL. It’s for dentistry.

So if you want to know her name,
go and have a google
take a little look
and you’ll probably learn more about her than I
ever knew. It’s a Portuguese-y name
and a German-y surname -
you’ll know it when you see it.
I’m too ashamed to say it.

I – well, I have no idea why she has a German-y surname
I never knew she went to KCL
and had forgotten that she was a dentist
- assuming I knew.
surely I knew?

She was proud of her cakes
and generous in her making of them
for society events.
She was quiet in meetings
I think
or at least
I can’t remember a single contribution she made in them.
She was nice to me when I suggested I might run for president.
I found her kind of – well, nice. really nice. motherly.

and that’s about all I've got.

but I was ******* torn apart when she died
my world, it came away in shreds
nothing made sense
I had no idea how to move
let alone function
in my shredded, dissolving world

that was the tipping point, you see.
it was after that that I really stopped working
that leaving the house started to get too hard
and that I had to really
really concentrate to
keep my
hands mo
ving through th
e washin
g up

now
I work
I leave the house
and I wash up with ease
I wash up with aplomb
with pizazz
with an arrogant little swing of the hips to the music

But I am far too ashamed to go to the memorial to my Portuguese friend’s death.

I mourned her too much
or perhaps not at all.

She was very nice (I think)
and probably a very good dentist.
and I will let her friends grieve in peace