Apr 2016
I have spent the last nine months looking for myself
Because the previous three years I only years I only ever looked to you
We bonded over our broken souls
Exposed scars no one else would understand
And you never questioned when the childhood trauma came knocking on my door
You told me about your manic bipolar mother
I told you about my schizophrenic father
And we built our relationship off false hopes of one day creating the family we never had
For someone who has lived the same life as I,
I thought you would be more careful with your words
But every compliment you gave me was just implanted for future manipulation
Looking back, I wanted to believe that you meant it when you said you loved me, that you thought we would grow old together, that our “children” would have two loving parents and everything they’d ever need.
But as I look back, everything you did was to get me to only see my future in you
To only have opinions that coincide with yours
I didn’t even know that self-affirmation was an option
Because you became the puppet master of my existence
It wasn’t until life slapped me in the face that my eyes finally opened and I could see you for the first time
I told you that I was three weeks late and reality seeped into both of our bones
You told me you weren’t ready to be a father
That you’d never want to have my children
That I was ruining your life
One pregnancy scare, asking you to put your words into action, and you walk away.
I didn’t know who I was without you
But I promised myself that I would never let you back into my life.
My new years resolution was to discover myself
And how to be happy on my own
I traveled the world
I journeyed to twelve different countries
And as I saw inherent beauty in everything around me, my problems became so small
When I was overseas you asked me how I was
You offered an apology and said you wanted to see me
The only thing that kept me from you was the five thousand miles between us
But the distance allowed me to say no, something I had never done before
I’m not sure if I’d have the strength to do it again, but I found a piece of myself, and that’s improvement.
Because the previous three years I only years I only ever looked to you
We bonded over our broken souls
Exposed scars no one else would understand
And you never questioned when the childhood trauma came knocking on my door
You told me about your manic bipolar mother
I told you about my schizophrenic father
And we built our relationship off false hopes of one day creating the family we never had
For someone who has lived the same life as I,
I thought you would be more careful with your words
But every compliment you gave me was just implanted for future manipulation
Looking back, I wanted to believe that you meant it when you said you loved me, that you thought we would grow old together, that our “children” would have two loving parents and everything they’d ever need.
But as I look back, everything you did was to get me to only see my future in you
To only have opinions that coincide with yours
I didn’t even know that self-affirmation was an option
Because you became the puppet master of my existence
It wasn’t until life slapped me in the face that my eyes finally opened and I could see you for the first time
I told you that I was three weeks late and reality seeped into both of our bones
You told me you weren’t ready to be a father
That you’d never want to have my children
That I was ruining your life
One pregnancy scare, asking you to put your words into action, and you walk away.
I didn’t know who I was without you
But I promised myself that I would never let you back into my life.
My new years resolution was to discover myself
And how to be happy on my own
I traveled the world
I journeyed to twelve different countries
And as I saw inherent beauty in everything around me, my problems became so small
When I was overseas you asked me how I was
You offered an apology and said you wanted to see me
The only thing that kept me from you was the five thousand miles between us
But the distance allowed me to say no, something I had never done before
I’m not sure if I’d have the strength to do it again, but I found a piece of myself, and that’s improvement.
