This is who I hate. It's what I've done that makes me feel this way. It's your voice. it's your lips. It's in the way you stumble whispering I love you through kisses and trying to catch your breath. It's the 3 hour phone calls. It's the broken promises and memories. It's the way you held me. It's how you felt like home. and I've ate away the pain of you leaving and its left me 3 months later 20 pounds heavier and hating myself even more than I did before. it's hyperventilating at 9pm in my bedroom with anxiety throughout my whole body, Its my arms shaking, it's  a weight on my chest, it's butterflies suffocating my throat. it's hysterically crying with a blade in one hand and pills in the other. it's the phone ringing the very second I go to drag the blade across my arm with your name popped up on the screen even though we haven't talked in months. you dialed my number because you simply felt as if something were wrong. It's my mind screaming it's a coincidence but hearts aching whispering love. I'm numb. The bottle of alcohol on the floor is empty and a cigarette I stole from my mom while sleeping is all burnt out. Burnt out like the words you wrote when we first met in the fires we'd gaze at for hours. Those beautiful flames have nothing on the colors of your eyes. Forever changing with how you feel in that exact moment.
It's the fact that I'll always love you. It's how your silence comforts me in ways none of my friends words even know how. It's the fact that none of my friends even notice or ask but you just knew.   This is me unable to move on from what used to be. But this is not about you. I did this to myself, I destroyed myself day by day with all the dumb decisions I continue to make. Regret regret regret. This is me today, this is who I have become. This is who I hate. This is the girl cussing out a teacher. This is missing 47 days of school this year and failing 5 classes. This is ******* out friends and getting upset over stupid things. This is holding on to the past. This is becoming the person I swore I'd never be. This is who I hate. This is not me. But it's what I've let myself become. I hate the person staring back at he mirror. It's hating the person you see, because you don't recognize your own reflection.
This is to my soul, my heart, my mind. I want to be free, this is why I want to be in the stars.