Every time I walk out of my room
both of my cats are sitting there
giving me ***** looks.
Almost as if I owe them money
from a poker game that we played
a few weeks ago and I haven’t called them since.

It makes me wonder if maybe they are mad at me.
What the hell did I do to them?
Yeah, sure, I stepped on your tail once or twice kitty,
shoot me.

But **** man, I pet you. I feed you.
I play with you.
I buy you toys.
I get you high. (On catnip, Jesus, I’m not cruel.)
****, if that’s the case, you want some kitty ****?
I’ll figure something out.

I’ll do anything to make you purr.

Remember when I got you those really nice boots
that you walked around in for maybe 5 minutes
and never put on again?

What about that time I bought you
that really expensive cat food that
you said you wanted so much
and then refused to eat?

I’m sorry about the time you saw me petting
the neighbors cat, I told you it wasn’t what it looked like.

No, I swear I didn’t like Doug the Pug’s photo on Facebook.

Why does it seem like I do everything wrong?

Oh wait.

I got it.


My cats are females.