"we could, we could..."


this kept me running up and down
that dreaded staircase for hours
on end and i held you so tightly
but you were always so far away




there wasn't a chance for me to show you who i was at all;

i could only be the girl that brushed past your side in a hurry
the girl who always bit her bottom lip and turned the other way
the girl who held her breath every time you shared the same air
the girl who thrived on smiles meant for someone else entirely





and
i kept
climbing
that same
staircase in
my mind up and
down over and over
again and prayed that
something much stronger
than myself would send me
toppling to the very bottom





  you didn't care when the rain carried me briskly down sidewalks,
crumbling my skin to an ash-like texture that could be compared
to my hopelessness or forgetfulness
  you weren't burdened with haunting thoughts of me every night,
like the way your voice always seems to bleed in my brain and
wander through my unconscious soul
  you didn't seem phased when i hiccuped your name in the softest
of voices in that dark place, my hands blindly searching for yours
even though you were merely steps away
  you weren't paying attention when i screamed into the storms
that i needed you, so loud that my lungs seemed to scratch at
my insides with the thought of us



i suffocated myself with these unsealed promises
that maybe, one day,
    we could,
  we could...




there was nothing separating us any longer -
not the thinest layer of fear or hesitance,
or the thickest layer of painful longing

we were wide open and free to break each others
bones and souls as much as we wanted to, but
there had never been a single imaginary string of
connection to hold our misguided hearts together,
so we fell apart before we even began.







  people keep telling me
      we could, we could...


so i quickly reversed back into my old habits of self-loathing
and inhaling gaping holes of doubt and holding onto things
that simply didn't want me as much as i wanted them

these things came so naturally; tugging at my insides in
ways i wasn't sure how to deal with anymore because they
were asking questions that i didn't know the answer to

then my bookshelf collapsed quicker than i could ask how you
were feeling that day so the question was never asked at all
but i knew all the things you didn't want me to know already

i needed a lampshade big enough to hide the possibility of us
under, because it illuminated my endeavored nights and i don't
know if i wanted you to know about that just then

things suddenly changed for me when my throat closed up
and i couldn't speak and my headaches became studded with
all of these memories that barely even existed for us

my arms wanted you more than my heart ever did, but the more
i tried to ignore them the more twisted and unforgiving my arms
became, giving out in the most inconvenient of times





i can finally see that
you could never see
anything in someone like
me,





we never
could