while you ran around screaming 'save me'
at the top of your lungs i sat in the
darkest corner of my bedroom and wrote
four letter words on my palms with the
blackest of inks until they all ran
together and were hardly words anymore

lostgonehometakeweakmoreliesquitpoor
doneleapneargainfal­lracesanewontstop




the other day i felt hopeless because someone asked me what was wrong
and i didn't know so i tore down each of the sparkling snowflakes from
the sky one by one, not even giving them the chance to hit the ground

and sometimes i write poetry backwards or with my eyes tightly shut
because doing things the wrong way is the only thing i've ever been good at

i spent so long in my bedroom in the hallways in the classrooms
in the bathroom stall in the eyes of people who pretended i was
happy,

so quiet so quiet
(nowadays...)



"where has your voice gone?"
i didn't speak to anyone
for four days after you
did that and eventually
my voice box imploded



"where has my heart gone?"
you didn't love anyone
for four years after she
did that and eventually
your heart imploded




all i've become is a
sack of brittle bones
that screams stories
and i build them up
in my chest until i tell
them to people who
let their minds wander
far too long on their
lovers or pretty clothes
or their nice hair or
perfect grades

"what's wrong?"

and then suddenly i turn
into a carousel that
never stops spinning
round and round
don't let go you
don't know for
sure when it will
stop (can't stop -
won't stop ;
when does
all time
stop?)

i promised myself
that stories that
didn't deserve to
be told would never
be allowed to softly
bleed through my
bones and fade into
the pigment of my
skin

but that's just one of
the many lies i told myself
over and over again,
isn't it?




once my insides have been bleached of all color and joy and life
once my lips can't be bothered to speak - to try - to lie to you
once my dark hair falls flat and my eyes slowly fade to gray
once my fingers become too cold to touch anymore - to hold anymore
once my knees give out when i'm standing at the top of the stairs
once my arms forget how to hold you - to hold myself - together

will you love me?
maybe then,
will you try to love me?







so quiet so quiet