Jul 2016
in the corner she put her hand on my face.
and stared at me for the longest time before
she put the other one too. i wasn't sure where this was going
she had cupped my face and pushed it up a little
before she took a deep breath and said you are a baby right now
i told her i was thirteen
but she said it doesn't matter
growing up is painful
the future is painful
the past is painful
the world suffers every day from
a thousand afflictions, baby.
i said don't call me that
i'm not.
she said you don't know anything
i said i do. i know this.
she said the world suffers every day
every week every hour
even things we can't bear to think, the world endures persistently.
the world overcomes.
she said you need to wait this out.
it gets worse and then it gets better
i said how long
she said it doesn't matter
you're going to grow up and it's going to hurt
and there's not a thing you can do about it.
i told her to watch me
she said she will. from a strait jacket.
and that's when she told.
i hated how all her advice was useless in this way
and how she always ******* me over in the end anyhow
and stared at me for the longest time before
she put the other one too. i wasn't sure where this was going
she had cupped my face and pushed it up a little
before she took a deep breath and said you are a baby right now
i told her i was thirteen
but she said it doesn't matter
growing up is painful
the future is painful
the past is painful
the world suffers every day from
a thousand afflictions, baby.
i said don't call me that
i'm not.
she said you don't know anything
i said i do. i know this.
she said the world suffers every day
every week every hour
even things we can't bear to think, the world endures persistently.
the world overcomes.
she said you need to wait this out.
it gets worse and then it gets better
i said how long
she said it doesn't matter
you're going to grow up and it's going to hurt
and there's not a thing you can do about it.
i told her to watch me
she said she will. from a strait jacket.
and that's when she told.
i hated how all her advice was useless in this way
and how she always ******* me over in the end anyhow
we were journalling. i kept thinking instead how much i'd rather paint the sky outside
which was blue that day. but it was May and a blue sky in May isn't special enough to say
can i please be excused from an activity to paint.
once our teacher let us skip the writing to paint a rainbow shining outside our classroom window after a storm in September.
but i wanted to paint this blue sky. the one from that day. i wanted to paint instead of journal. it just kills me knowing there'll never be a pretty day in May that I'll be able to hold onto before it goes away
and i somehow knew i wouldn't be allowed to remember that blue sky in any significant way.
and i was right cause instead we wrote. they told us to write about our future.
i didn't want to. but not out of laziness. not even out of disinterest. i actually gave it a lot of thought before i decided i didn't want a future. and i didn't want to lie about wanting one. so i wrote that down. i didn't think i should have to explain why it was that i didn't want it because
i didn't expect too many people would be genuinely drawn to the idea of the future. weren't we all clinging to the past? weren't we all caught up in the moment? but i think i got the idea that that wasn't true because as soon as we were allowed to put our pens to the paper, people's hands were flying across their page.
i didn't do that, of course. i just wrote down exactly what came to my mind and
by the time i had finished writing
though i didn't mean to let her my friend had leaned over me to read my page.
which was blue that day. but it was May and a blue sky in May isn't special enough to say
can i please be excused from an activity to paint.
once our teacher let us skip the writing to paint a rainbow shining outside our classroom window after a storm in September.
but i wanted to paint this blue sky. the one from that day. i wanted to paint instead of journal. it just kills me knowing there'll never be a pretty day in May that I'll be able to hold onto before it goes away
and i somehow knew i wouldn't be allowed to remember that blue sky in any significant way.
and i was right cause instead we wrote. they told us to write about our future.
i didn't want to. but not out of laziness. not even out of disinterest. i actually gave it a lot of thought before i decided i didn't want a future. and i didn't want to lie about wanting one. so i wrote that down. i didn't think i should have to explain why it was that i didn't want it because
i didn't expect too many people would be genuinely drawn to the idea of the future. weren't we all clinging to the past? weren't we all caught up in the moment? but i think i got the idea that that wasn't true because as soon as we were allowed to put our pens to the paper, people's hands were flying across their page.
i didn't do that, of course. i just wrote down exactly what came to my mind and
by the time i had finished writing
though i didn't mean to let her my friend had leaned over me to read my page.
