I am the girl who wakes up extra early to put on a face.
I put it on so good, No one would ever know the brokenness that I have to face.
Family never ask and friends can never tell
Only my pillow knows and is there to catch all of my tears.
Thank you to my pillow who knows my brokenness all to well.
I was sexually abused many of times to the point of hospitalization.
My family knew this family member who admitted to have harmed me, but gave me the
condemnation.
They gave me the evil looks, the you should have said something sooner speeches. The get over its
The it would be best if you would find somewhere else to live, oh and the oh your off our insurance too.
We dont care where you go... As long as we don't have to deal with you!
At church it began with the whispers, and then where I sat in a pew all alone as if I was the disease.
No knows how much I tried to hold my life together.
Only the Heavenly Father and my sore sore knees.
The family members who knew, never asked me
if I was okay, but they didn't know that I was contemplating taking my life every day.
From trying to  black out on alcohol and sleeping pills. Hoping I would wake up and this would all be a dream
To being successful with making that nuise out of my favorite blue bathrobe rope
My dad walked in EVERYTIME and gave me one more day to add to  my life which seemed like a treacherous timeline.
Was this God maybe, was he trying to save me and open up my eyes?
Some of them who knows that all this actually happened said it was for attention and I needed to just drop it, move on, let it go.
Well "you have become negative...maybe it is best if you go"
If I didn't feel like a slave in that house, I sure did now.
I feel like I literally did everything and there was still something my mom would bicker about.
I started noticing she would come up with basically anything to get my dad to kick me out.
I would drive to the park somedays and just sit in my car and cry.
I would drive down old back roads , and think would this world miss me when I die.
Family gatherings  where I once was welcome, I was no longer invited to
I spent thanksgiving all alone, just me and a box of tissues.
Friends invited me to their family events, but I was embarrassed.
I didn't want to intrude.
The friends who did know, I would call crying and they would not know what to say
For they have never felt this broken or had to feel this type of way.
I would sleep with a couch in front of my door and have an alarm set for 4 am
I could finally close my eyes and rest my tired head
4 am is when I felt like it was safe enough to close my eyes and be safe from my predator who crept in the night to finally go to bed
My friends said I was strong, but I really felt so weak.
I felt so gross, so worthless, so ashamed, and no one knew
After trying to recovery from my childhood, I will now have to recovery from this too.
I really would not be here today if it was not for the baby in my belly
And someone saying they would carry me the rest of the way.
these two are my world and the reason I get up every day.
So I am the girl who wakes up extra early to put on a face.
I put it on so well no one would know the brokenness that I have to face.