i spent this year as a ghost
literally, this time last year
i was nervously joking about kissing your lips,
and i might miss you like hell
but please show me
where exactly i signed up for this,
this time last year he was alive
and at the time i blamed him for ruining my life,
but he did nothing in comparison to you,
oh gods i wish i knew the way out of this mess
it was so simple this time last year,
i knew my place,
i knew i had a place,
your warm embrace
and a small apartment - it was settled
on all but paper back then,
and now the thought of living in the same town,
hell, the same building as you
is a thought i dearly dread
where did we go wrong,
was it my needy voice,
did my hand hold too tightly onto yours,
if so im sorry it's just that
you were my purpose,
now im just spinning in circles
like a lion in a cage,
scared,
lost,
enraged,
you ****** me over good and proper yet
id still cling to you if i had the chance
i thought he was the one to ruin me
once and for all, i thought
you'd probably be the only person who'd never let go of me,
but would you look at this,
you broke me
and the guilt linked back to him's the only thing i see day and night,
see, now i have to live to prove he wasn't right,
i have to live to keep his memory alive -
instead of live to feel you breathing by my side
i spent this year as a ghost,
the ghost of some blind fool who trusted you to stay.
id die before apologizing once again,
ive said im sorry one too many times
(the word has lost its sense)
and what's the point in being sorry when
i still betrayed you, when
i still put him in an early grave by saying
who i am,
im sorry
sorry to no end
but im still who's to blame for this,
im sorry that i killed him as im sorry i dismissed
what we had,
i was being greedy - nothing new,
those unworthy of their lives will always aim for
robbing others of their happiness,
i took both yours and mine with just a line,
im sorry,
im so sorry,
i shouldn't be alive
you were the prettiest flower i had ever seen,
of course id be a pig, of course
i wouldn't stick to simply seeing,
please don't think ill of me if you do think at all,
and lastly thanks for this,
i probably needed to spend this year alone