0.
my fears come in fours
or to be exact
there are four of them
a nice even number
but i cannot overcome these ones
and there are certainly more
where they have come from
but these are the ones
that i live by
or the ones that live by me
either way
they are the controlling factors
that make up my psyche

1.
i am afraid of the dark
and no
i am not kidding
people usually don’t believe me
when i tell them this
because i surround myself with
dark things and i guess
i seem like a dark person
and the argument
that when i close my eyes it
will be dark anyway
does nothing to comfort this
it just makes me feel more ridiculous
an eighteen year old with a nightlight

2.
storms
mother ******* storms
even a little bit of rain
can send me scurrying
to my room to hide under
a pile of blankets
as if this can protect me from
the elements
and driving in it is even worse
i white-knuckle my way through
the miles and the hours
feeling the wind
and pouring rain
hail snow sleet thunder
and lightning
it sends waves of fear to my bones
and i grit my teeth so hard
i fear my teeth will crack
and splinter
like the trees and fences and power lines

3.
it is not dying that scares me
i am not afraid of death
i embrace it
i will be the curator
of my own destruction
but it is dying alone
that scares me the most
and yes
i know that even if i were to die
with other people
i would still die by myself
because my light snuffing out
will not be like anyone else’s
i know this
and that does not scare me
what scares me is being alone
when i die
i don’t want to die
by bottle or pill or knife
with my only company being
my self-destruction
the dark passenger will not escort me
to the other side
but i wouldn’t mind dying
holding your hand

4.
i am afraid of my mother
but this is not something that i can
just come out and say forthright
it has to be treated casually
just slipped into conversation
taking the words from
what is your favorite kind of cake to
and i am afraid of my mother
but anyway
what is your favorite flavor of frosting
and the key is to say this quickly
let the sentence blur together
let the thickness of the tongue
slur the vowels into one long string
no spaces are needed with this
confession
because no matter how this is said
this little confession
an admittance of what is wrong
of what haunts my sleep
and my day time
and all my time
people will still look at me like
i am this little broken thing
but no
i am not broken
i will not let her break me
but this fear
it will not go away
and i am ashamed of it