I see it all the time….
It divides, spreads, then multiplies in my brain
gets trapped, almost smushed in between each and every crevice
It’s times like these…
That my nerves can get the best of me

This should be fun.
I tell myself in a condescending tone
As if I don’t know what’s about to happen
But I’ve seen it,
too many times to count

Forced to watch it
I re-live it everyday
Not the same scenario
of course each sequence that appears
is more and more realistic than before

This time…. I’m waiting for the train
Alone, my body sitting calmly on the metal bench
All there is for sound is water streaming through the pipes
In the lower levels of the city
The dark caves and heavy ledges can treat you differently

Thoughts of the night before run through my mind
I smirk, thinking of how the stupidest things make the best stories
I close my eyes trying to get an ounce of rest
Then I feel it
An item jabbed in the back of my neck
I sit still, trying to fight the fact that this could be the last time my eyes our open

I see it so clearly; it plays so vivid in my mind
If I were to die right here, right now
Could I say I lived a fulfilling life?
Would I be happy with what others remember me as?
I hope to feel as though I would

In a sick way this play, screws its way into my mind
Unable to stop it when it starts
It just appears, the only way to handle it is to watch
Watch and wait to see which scene will be the setting for my death
At least I’d know a few words the paper would read

The picture paints the same every time
I’d like to flick the switch that controls this heavy doom
Turn it off! I don’t wish to take this treacherous ride anymore
I always become a fixture in this working machine
Cue the same scenario once more

This time I’m standing on top of a building
Looking down from the roof
Tying to read everyone thoughts as they pass by
They see so blindly, the same repeated path but they never get to know the streets
They never see what’s actually in front of them

From the top you see all of the above
You wish you could take the scene and carry it with you home
But in that moment your mind can play
That ledge you leaned just needs one nudge, one push, one flick
And you begin to watch as it unfolds once more

This time I’m holding a gun at the shooting range
The power alone gives me anxiety
A tool that can **** in an instant and I have it in my hands
It’s amazing that you can practice shooting with no test or trust needed
Little did they know that a crazed person was walking through their door

I tried to breathe as normal as I could
walking in I knew immediately I wanted to walk right back out
This is where the true test would be held
As I took that gun my heart began again, I felt the panic attack coming
And then…..Bang

My first shot was fired.
Between the aftershock and my nerves I could barely stand afterward
I guess I passed this one, but what is to say of the next
Your mind can play some nasty games
The trick is to NEVER let it win.