i feel like i just keep pounding on physicality (putting on pounds)
when all i really want is death
not to actually die
but shut down
a grand theatrical shut down
i want to die over and over
and be born again
clean
like a baby
not know anything
to have to redevelop myself
rn i'm too developed
self congragulating
never fully developing
self congradulating  

to be in a state of actively not wanting anything
to not desire or wish
no desires
no wishes
(no desires or wishes)