Dear you,
Its been 5 years.
5 long yearsand it still feels like yesterday.
Like yesterday was my 12th test and the word "****", rolled off my tongue.
Like yesterday was the day I called him, told him, and he asked if it was his.
I can still feek the lump in my throat, as i choked down dinner, hiding a secret from everyone.
The lump in my throat that was a reminder, i had messed up my plans.
 I remeber laying in bed, praying god would take you from me.
I remember decidinf i would keep you.
I can still see the blood on my hands.
The blood that was, in my mind, now you.
Hearing the nurse say "there was nothing we could do"
Those words echo in my mind, always, haunting me.
I can still feel the pain from ripping the ivs out.
The pain, in my heart, that i didnt take care of us.
I remind myself i wasnt ready, almost always.
You would've been miserable.
Im not good with babies, ive never even changed a diaper.
None of this was my decision.
I shouldve cared more.
I shouldve taken better care of us.
You should know, im sorry.