Usually it's okay until I come across an old picture
there aren't many of them now
mostly because in the midst of my great
breakdown I decided the best thing to do
was burn them all
as if the flames dancing across our smiling faces
could erase the pain I felt now
in the wake
of losing you
and take all of your lies with it

so let's go on pretending that it's over,
                                             that we're done
you don't have to call and I won't expect you to

so let's go on pretending that I'm fine and you're fine and everything is just fine
let's

     but it still happens

somehow an old photo finds its way into
my broken hands and at first I do
not even recognize the people
staring back at me

      it's like a carnival mirror

your reflection moves against the glass
in synchrony with you
your smile is your smile and your arms
are your arms but
it doesn't look like you

      so it's a little like that
your smile is my smile and my arms are wrapped around you
almost as if I knew
one day you would let me go

                                               muscle memory  
                                               is a real *****

I remember the way your hair felt
as I ran my fingers through it
you hated it when I did that

I remember the nape of your neck
how it tasted
how you tasted

I remember your skin against my palms
how you were always hot and I was always cold and we told ourselves we were a perfect match
playing with fire is dangerous
love is dangerous

love

I remember making it
almost as vividly
as I remember you breaking
my heart

my tongue is numb,
my hands are numb,
I
am numb


                                                              ­so what

just get rid of it, they say
you've burned all the rest

I know
but no
                                                              ­I can't

I'm keeping it because I know you've pitched all of yours
that in your universe there is no longer a shred of evidence tying you to me
painting the picture
of us being in love
          being happy

we used to be happy

                                               and I think I owe
                                               our past selves  
                                               that much

so I will continue to remember
               continue to feel it all
because I know you've learned
to walk,
but I
can only crawl.