Everything inside me aches
Every muscle fighting the strain it’s facing
The sweat that escapes my pores does not cool me
My vision is blurred and I can’t think straight
I sit here in the darkness
Alone with my thoughts that run wild
In every direction but the one they need to be on
My heart is madly pumping blood to the rest of my body
Trying to sustain every limb and muscle
My thoughts go to one of pain
Not the pain I feel now but a dull aching pain from my past
I’ve tried to bury it from my mind, burn it out of memory
But it still remains, adding to the fire already blazing in me
I feel my body give in
In a swift motion I’m crumpled on the floor
The cool earth soothes only a minute percent of the pain
And in an instant the slight relief is gone
Consumed in the fire of my own pain and grief
I cry out, trying to form words
But only groans and screams escape my lips
I’m trying to fight the fresh wound in my heart
Stitch it back up before it has time to bleed into the rest of my body
I don’t want to remember
My pain is too much to handle now
Only if I could put everything back where it needs to be
I feel the blood seeping into my veins
Sorrow starts to overtake the heat
But as the sorrow spreads the pain increases
Tears wet my cheeks as memories fill my mind
Sadness, loss, hurt, abandonment, grief
Each picture races across my vision
I lay my head in my hands and surrender
I surrender everything
It’s just too much to bare, too much to control
I don’t want it, any of it
The pain inside slowly started to drift away
The weight I carried for so long lightened off my shoulders
The aching heart that has too many wounds is healed
All this time I was holding on to what was dragging me down
I’m not giving up on it all, on life
I’m just handing it over to Him who can carry it for me
Him who can handle what I can’t
I lift my head out of my hands
I feel fresh tears slide down my cheeks
Tears of relief and exhaustion
There is no longer darkness that surrounds me
There is light and love
I lay my head down again and rest