I want to **** myself, but I won't. Because I no longer think that suicide is a house that I want to build some day. I'm fine with this beaten down house at the moment. I like the fact that the linoleum in the kitchen is ripped and I like that if I step on certain spots in the living room, it creaks so loudly that it would wake my mother to have her stop me from doing whatever I decide is fit for that night. I like my wallpaper that you tried to remove so now it's just peeled half heartedly. I like my porch where I receive 99.9% of my splinters. I like the garden gate that I once tore my arm open on. I like my beaten down, busted up, ugly, pathetic house. I don't think I'm ready to build that big, beautiful, shiny mansion that everyone paints as horrible. I don't think I'm ready for mahogany tables and crystal chandeliers. I'm not ready to have the spiral staircase or the beautiful attic view. I wish I was but I'm not; and as you once told me "You will want to **** yourself, but you won't, because you no longer think of suicide as a house you will build one day." Don't you worry, these carpets still have a lot of room for stains. How hard is it to get grape juice and salsa out of a white carpet again?