you say the problem
is I am ground zero
   I am the Earth's surface closest to the detonation
you say the problem is
I am ground zero
    and the Earth is at war.

I kept trying to tell you
I was made to feel.
everything on this Earth that exists without a purpose
all the ethereal
that was made for me.
    and I am made to feel.

and I feel those things.

but she doesn't care she says
what are you hiding

stop, i'm not,
just trying
    i'm trying to forget

now she's screaming

why are you behind
why aren't you keeping
yourself here
why are you always drifting
why is there so much fog around you
why is there so much fog around you

stop crying i'm so sorry

because I am feeling so much
all the time
and I am drowning in myself
and i just want to know how come it always ends up with
me on the floor sinking.

of every mistake of
every person on this Earth
and they are all
causing me SO MUCH
I don't know which one did it to me first

how many names do you have for frustration?
how many names do you have for frustration?

if it makes you happy, i'll have none.

okay okay I'll
**** it up and say
I'm calling you again
hoping you'd pick up because
all I'm ever asking you to do is to
to take all these pieces of
me and reconstruct them into something
that makes sense to us.

it already makes sense to you

You think it makes sense to me?
which part of it?
   why i'm thinking about
these things all the time
why i'm losing myself in my own mind
why i'm trying to get  back
          into what i'm trying to leave behind
why i can't admit to habit
but i can admit to loving some of that kind?

i'm still salvaging
nothing's changed
i'm still salvaging dollops of conversations we've not yet had
this is a continuation
of the love I used to feel.
it doesn't mean it wasn't
real
it's just not
here.

so you expect me to feel better?

then where were you when I was trying to convince myself that I'm too busy thinking to feel?
that I'm too busy feeling to think?
and which is worse? i'm asking you, but you're dreaming now, aren't you/

                   It's okay.
but do you keep wondering whether it's worse that these feelings don't come from me
               that they come from you and everyone else on this Earth setting off a million things all at once
clawing at earth
pulling apart at earth
     pulling apart at earth
the earth of the Earth that's always tried so hard to be my ground
and yet you all break it
      and expect me not to fall in cracks
that I promise you I tried to
fill with
everything you wanted me to fill with but
I was never a builder. I was never
able to fix anything
more than I was able to stare at it
with a longingness that never served me any good.
then yes
but now my thinking session is over- you're awake again"
you say
I am ground zero
and everyone is
going through
the same war over and over
and I'm so sorry I'm so sorry to say this
but can't you just get out?

and
that was two months ago
now you're whispering
you're caught in yourself, you're caught in yourself, you're caught in yourself
so I can't help you
caught in everything around you but
mostly caught in yourself
and crashing into waves
that are so intent on crashing back into you

always letting go of things you know will
come back for you
and pulling at moons and watching them float past you
and betting on games
and losing those, too

and even after all that
she takes my hand and says
*you're going to lose me too