In my childhood
I felt close to both my earthly Father
and my heavenly Father.  
I felt loved by both of them.

In my adolescence
I wanted to please them both.

In my teenage years
I was angry with them both.

In my young adulthood
I ignored them both.

Now I love them both,
but don't necessarily want to spend time
with either of them.  

But if I were to lose either one of them,
I don't think I could go on living.

I love my Dad more than any human,
but I don't make an effort to spend time with him.  
I feel guilty around him.  
I'm afraid he will see right through me
and he won't love me in the same way
when I knows all the things I've done.  

Is that how I feel about God?  
I say I believe I'm forgiven,
but have I really let it go?  
If not, why not?  
I'm tired of beating this dead horse.