I was getting bad again, but it wasn’t like anyone noticed. Some days I wasn’t sleeping, or even worse I started to sleep too much. This horrible nightmare was destroying me inside and out. Some days I wasn’t eating, or even worse I started eating too much. I was smoking to numb the pain, spilling sober thoughts into a blank page. Intoxicated with the madness I do not even understand. Weeks later to find, wanting to know if I was out of my mind because I could not seem to remember writing a **** thing. It was like looking into a strangers mind to find yourself staring back at you in a vanity mirror. This is because I would get so high I could think so clearly, write down these thoughts I never had words to explain. I tried so hard to forget my thoughts, my feelings, the pain. It never truly worked. Only for a little while. Thoughts of a blade going across my wrist and Crimson oozing down my arm seemed to appear more often than not. Yes I am clean, but that does not mean I don’t miss it. That does not mean the thought does not itch the back of my mind every breathing second. I would sit in class shaking, crying, heart throbbing. . Over memories and things I wish I could change, things I never had control over to begin with. I was unable to control my emotions, I was drowning in sorrows that I should’ve overcome by now. I was giving so much power to my pain, too much control to those who weren’t deserving. Giving too much power to the past and denying any strength I had. I was killing myself slowly in the sadness I was enduring, allowing myself to suffocate in night terrors I mistook as dreams. But then things started to change,
once we started speaking again. I started wanting to love myself, I’ve become obsessed with the idea to be the type of person, that a person like you would fall in love with. I find myself smiling at the thought of your laugh and sweet things you have told me. Heart smiling for the first time in years as my eyes slowly close as I listen to the sound of you playing your guitar. The sound of you playing comforts me in ways I’ve never been touched before. For the first time in a long time I felt safe and free at once. “I could fall asleep to this every night” I kept thinking. I kept thinking about you, so far I have not stopped. I keep thinking about how much I want this. Every song has become about you. One look at you and butterflies erupt in my stomach and make my heart jump beats. I wake up each day wanting to push through so I can see you, while it used to take everything in me to get out of bed. You’re making me feel things I didn’t know I was still capable of feeling. It’s been so long since I have felt anything near the way I’m feeling in this very moment. I never thought I could fall so deep for someone like this again, but here I am. ****** off my ***, thinking about you. Only you. This is a moment. This is the moment. This is the moment it finally hits me. I am in love with you. I am terrified as hell, but here I am.
Falling for you anyways.