I remember the winter
how it chilled my bones-
and it reminded me of you.
I remember the night
how it shook my insides-
and that too reminded me of you.

I look at my reflection in the glass-
still seeing you behind me.
Hovered over my progress
hindering the steps I take forward.
You cower in the corner of my courage-
finding me when it has run dry.
Peeking out of my mind
when least expected
seemingly at the worst time.

I never knew you like I thought-
tried to face what you did to me
but denial is your muse
what keeps you coming back
is me.

You have been the reason
for me almost leaving-
the reason for these scars upon
my wrists, hips and thighs.

Two months ago
I wrote the last poem about you
my body could think to write.
My mind kept calling you back to me.
The winter chill captivated me
took me hostage there in the front seat-
waiting for my car to warm.

You're the reason for the makeup
that drips own my face and burns my eyes.
But only sometimes-
you are not to blame for everything
except my fear of the dark corners
and my inability to keep myself
from trying to discover what hides in them.

I hate the winter
the cold takes me hostage-
it chokes my willpower
and makes me remember you there.

You don't know that repression gave up-
ran away around middle school
when I couldn't be strong any longer.
You came back in the winter-
reminded me of when you left me in the dark.

I still smell you sometimes
and remember the things you showed me.
How they were something I didn't want to learn.
Seven is everyone's lucky number-
but somehow it has me doomed to fail.

I saw you standing there-
my mind hazy from intoxication
I thought I could handle you there.
Metal should only be in your head
if something went wrong-
and so that's why I threw the bat at yours.

The closest I've been to showing you what you did-

The winter still chills my bones-
the night still shakes my insides.
But I am still alive
Still Okay.
Still Alive.

The sun fights hard to keep its place
and the winter doesn't stay forever.
So you won't either.