Girl conditioner
        Lovingly stroked through whiskers
***** Flatbeard smiles

Hot and flat iron
         Please hipster gods be so kind
Beard becomes calm sea

Personal grooming
         Turned to Japanese garden
Terraced beard landscape

Rogaine investment
          Thick beard glued into donkey
Looks like a Jack-***

Caveman gone ape ****
            Preferring the barber shop
To hot biker chicks

Poor ***** Flatbeard
            No one thinks you very cool
Eskimo status

Rustling leaves fall
            No, just ****** beard in the wind
Peed some while laughing

No love for hip beards
           ***** Flatbeard needs to die
Slow, painful, mean death