In a world of chaos you were my only hope.
Your blank, pale expression stared at me,
with your faded blue lines running across your perfect emptiness.
Your untouched, untapped potential for relief and sanctuary begging me to splatter my ink, my blood across you.
It invited me to share my sorrows and woes, my happiness but most of all my lows.
So, paper, pen, poem-
I spill my guts to you.
I pour my soul out to you, knowing that you’re always there to listen.

But the truth is, this chaos cannot be contained in such a few lines, in such a few words.
The complexity of Life’s twists cannot be shortened or summed up here.

I could never think of a word to describe the…. empty?.... feeling I got when he returned home, only to repack his bags and leave again.
I could never think of a word to describe the….apathetic?.... feeling I got when they told us it was about change, but at the same time they told us what we could and couldn’t say.
I could never think of a word to describe the…despondent?... feeling I got when he said he was in love with me, but that we could never be together.
I could never think of a word to describe the…?... feeling I got as I hugged her and brushed her tears away, knowing that were caused by me,
I could never think of a word to describe the...?... feeling I got when I begged them to trust me, even though I couldn’t even trust myself.

There are no words or phrases that can capture the irony of day to day living,
of hating life but being afraid of death,
of wishing them to go away but praying they would stay,
of wanting to move a thousand miles away but being unable to take the first step.
I can not capture the way I feel on these days when Life smiles in my face as she holds a gun to my head,
When Life tells me she loves me and holds me close,
but watches as she fills my eyes with tears because she has loosened her grip and is letting me slip away.

So, paper, pen, poem-
I spill my guts to you.
And I beg you to listen, cause I can’t even hear myself.