i wonder if its bad to hate that im to grounded
that  i cant burn like fire
that i cant hurt myself
that i cant love like i used to
on the outside im fine
on the inside im cold and hard as ice
waiting for fire to burn through
and when i melt will there
be anything left of me?
or will i disappear into
the ether? why cant i 
feel?
is it bad that i
want to hurt myself
want to flip
want *** with no strings attached
want to burn out my lungs with a cigarette
want to take a shot and drown out my memories
want to do it all and hate myself because 
i cant
wont
im too grounded
i feel equally guilty and self hate
guilty because so many need my grounding, should have my grounding
self hate because i want to be just like them
but i cant do
it i dont
have the
courage
the ability to just let go and lose my mind, my barriers
i hate how i stop myself
i hate how i cant follow through
i hate myself for all the wrong reasons