I.
AT 10 YEARS OLD
I WAS ALL ENERGY AND KNOBBY KNEES
RED CHEEKS WITH BLUNT BANGS
I WAS TRYING TO GROW OUT
HEADBANDS WERE MY STAPLE
AND I ADORED MY BIG SISTER
BUT I NEVER NOTICED MY FLAWS
I RAN AROUND THAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND
AS IF IT WERE MY OWN KINGDOM
IMAGINING THE ADVENTURES I WAS ON AND DREAMING
OF GROWING UP TO BE A VETERINARIAN
OR MAYBE A DOCTOR OR A NURSE
UNTIL YOU TOOK ME ASIDE AND TOLD ME
HOW UGLY I WAS
FAT AND RED FACED
WHAT WAS FAT?
THIS WORD DIDN’T OCCUR NATURALLY IN MY VOCABULARY
BUT SUDDENLY
I WASN’T BLIND TO WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME
THOSE RED CHEEKS
AND ROUNDNESS
BECAME MY FOCUS FOR YEARS TO COME

II.
YOU WERE SO THIN
I WAS SO FAT
OR SO I THOUGHT
BARELY 100 POUNDS OF MEAT ON MY
FIVE FOOT THREE FRAME
WE ALL WANTED TO BE SKINNY
SO WE DIDN’T EAT
OR WE DRANK NOTHING BUT DIET PEPSI
AND GOSSIPED ABOUT ALL OF THE
FAT GIRLS
I KNEW I WAS ONE OF THEM
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU POINTED OUT HOW
MY LOWER BELLY POKED OUT
AND MY HIPS WERE SO MUCH WIDER THAN YOURS
THEN SUDDENLY
I HATED THE WOMANLY PARTS OF MY BODY
THE PARTS THAT WOULD MAKE ME
ONE DAY
ABLE TO CARRY A BABY AND CREATE A LIFE INSIDE OF MYSELF
THE MAGAZINES SHOWED ME A BODY
I COULD NEVER HAVE
FOR THE STRUCTURE I WAS COULDN’T LOOK THAT WAY
NO MATTER HOW I TRIED
I AM ME

III.
I WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME
I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO ENSURE YOU DID
SO WHEN YOU SAID
I COULD STAND TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS
OR GO TO THE GYM
WHEN YOU ASKED ME IF I REALLY
NEEDED TO EAT THAT SECOND TORTILLA
OR SERVING OF EGGS
WHEN YOU POKED MY CHEEK AND TOLD ME
I HAD SIDEBURNS
I FELT ASHAMED OF THE BODY I’D GROWN
THIS FLESH AND BONE THAT HOUSED MY SOUL
WAS STILL HAUNTING ME
I HATED IT
I WANTED TO DIE
I WANTED TO PROVE MY WORTH
BECAUSE HOW MUCH WOULD THAT BE
IF THE FLESH AND BONE WRAPPED AROUND ME
WAS UGLY AND
UNPLEASING TO THE EYE
*** WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD TO OFFER YOU
AND YOU TOOK IT WILLINGLY
THANKFULLY I LEARNED QUICK
THAT YOU WEREN'T THE ONE FOR ME
AND BROKE THAT HATEFUL CYCLE

IV.
YOU COMPARED OUR BODIES
THOUGH WE WERE VERY DIFFERENT IN BUILD
AND STRUCTURE
HOW OUR BODIES GREW COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE DIFFERENT
IN YOUR COMPARISON
THOUGHT YOU CLAIMED IT WAS COMPLIMENTARY
I BEGAN TO DESPISE MY BODY
I KNEW I’D GROWN
I KNEW I’D GAINED WEIGHT
I LOOKED DIFFERENT THAN I USED TO
NO LONGER ABLE TO FIT INTO CLOTHES I’D ONCE LOVED
SO VERY ROUND
SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED OVER THE COURSE OF YEARS
THAT MADE ME LOVE FOOD AND ENJOY MY LIFE MORE THAN
BE CONCERNED ABOUT MY LOOKS
UNTIL YOU STARTED TO COMPARE US
THEN I OBSESSED
I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD
AND BE BETTER
THEN WHEN I DID
YOU COMPLAINED THAT
I WAS JUST SKIN AND BONES
AND THAT HURT WORSE THAN THE COMMENTS
ON MY ROUNDNESS
BECAUSE I SOMEHOW KNEW
YOU WERE RIGHT

V.
THERE WAS A VOICE THAT TOLD ME
SINCE I WAS 10
YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH
YOU ARE NOT LOVABLE
THIS BODY
THE FLESH AND BONE THAT HOUSES YOUR SOUL
IT IS ALL YOU ARE WORTH
IT SOUNDED LIKE ALL OF YOU
EACH WHO HAD RUNG SUCH DOUBTS IN MY EARS
SO WHEN I PLACED FOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH
IT MADE ME CRINGE
AND MY STOMACH TURN
BECAUSE EVERY BITE WAS CALORIES
I NO LONGER CRAVED THE FOODS I ONE LOVED
SLOWLY I MELTED
I BEGAN TO SHRINK
MY SKIN BECAME DRY AND MY LIPS CRACKED
I BEGAN TO GROW VELVETY SOFT HAIR
ON EVERY BIT OF MY BODY
MY *******
ONCE FULL AND LOVELY
BECAME SMALL
MY HIPS WERE SLIGHT
AND THE BONES THAT HELD ME UPRIGHT BEGAN TO PEEK OUT
AND THEN I FELT WORTHY
AND LOVABLE
THOUGH I STILL DIDN’T LOVE MYSELF
ANYMORE THAN I HAD BEFORE

VI.
AT THIRTY I ADMITTED
I HAVE THIS DEMON
THIS VOICE
IT HAUNTS ME
EVERY SINGLE DAY
I WANT TO BURY IT
SOME DAYS I CAN
OTHER DAYS
I’M NOT THAT LUCKY
SOME DAYS I CAN ENJOY MY LIFE
FOOD IS NOT A BURDEN
OTHER DAYS
I WANT TO CRY WITH EVERY BITE I EAT
I WANT TO KEEP SHRINKING
TO MAKE MYSELF SMALLER
BUT I REALIZED
THAT I’M BIGGER THAN THIS VOICE
I AM BIGGER THAN THIS BODY EVEN
MY SOUL IS LIKE THE STARS IN THE SKY
INFINITE
AND LOVELY
AND BURSTING WITH ENERGY
LIGHTING UP THOSE AROUND ME
AND THE BODY THAT KEEPS THAT ENERGY INSIDE
IS TEMPORARY
SO WHY NOT LOVE IT NOW
WHILE I STILL HAVE THE CHANCE
BECAUSE ONE DAY
WE WILL ALL BE DUST AND
MY BODY WILL NO LONGER MATTER
BUT MY SOUL WILL FOREVER BEAR THE SCARS
THAT ARE SELF INFLICTED FROM YEARS
OF TORTURE AND SELF LOATHING
AND FROM THE HURTFUL WORDS THAT WERE SAID
OUT OF SPITE
AND OUT OF MEANNESS
AND OUT OF MISUNDERSTANDING