and for some crazy reason, I'm crying in this synagogue parking lot at 6am
I needed to believe in God again
because I couldn't believe in you anymore
but every Christian church I go to screams your name and I can't stay there
all I can think at a Catholic Church is how you loved God forever
maybe that hurts because you didn't love me even for a second
my face is like a waterfall and now I'm banging on the door
who thought to have preachers ready for confession twenty-four hours a day?
I want to thank them
this isn't like the church I go to
he brings me into his office, a coffee mug in the corner of his desk
it makes me nervous that it might tip and spill, maybe shatter all over the floor
I'm always afraid of things shattering
he asks me if I'm alright
and I ask for the Bible
I turn to the page about love,
soulmates and pain and betrayal
and I rip it out, right in front of him
I tear it and I tear it and I tear it
until I'm in tears again
he looks at me like I sinned
I tell him I did
I wronged God
I wronged the world
I hurt someone
and it was me
I hurt myself
he hurt me, the boy with bright eyes
and I've been destroying myself ever since
and now I feel like if I scream your name loud enough maybe God will hear me and
fix it,
fix us
fix everything
he's looking at my like I'm insane
am I insane?
you always said everyone was insane
I wipe my eyes on my sleeve
I don't remember our state being this cold
maybe I'm only freezing in your absence
this thought makes me laugh a little
the preacher has wide eyes now
"are you okay?"
"are you sure?"
"are you hurt?"
"God is here"
"God can help you"
"God can be your constant"
God, God, God
WHERE WAS CHRIST
TO GIVE ME STRENGTH THEN
WHERE WAS THE LORD
TO HELP ME
WHEN I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF
WHERE WAS THE SAVIOR
TO RESCUE ME WITH FAITH
WHEN I WAS ON THE EDGE OF A BRIDGE,
YOUR NAME CARVED DOWN MY WRISTS,
LEANING AND READY TO JUMP OFF
where was he then?
actually,
where were you then?
you told me when we were thirteen,
that you would be here for me always
so why is it,
that three years later,
I'm dying and you're living?
the man with bags under his eyes,
and a picture of his family on his desk,
picks up his phone
probably to call the cops
or maybe call my mother
or maybe call my grandmother
when's the last time I called her?
Christmas?
no,
Thanksgiving?
it's only the middle of October
I called her on her birthday
in September  
I can't even remember the day
I can't even remember her face
I can't even remember my own face
he's dialing
the old man is dialing the police, I think
to come catch the crazy girl
"she's intoxicated," he says
"high," he claims
"on coke," he states
"no," I whisper
"I'm not high"
"I'm not on drugs"
"I'm not filled with alcohol"
"I'm just heartbroken"
and now I'm laughing again
like you used to every night under the stars
I jump up so fast that the coffee crashes,
straight onto the hardwood floor
I don't even see it, I only hear it
I'm out the door
stumbling onto new mistakes
6:35
your house is just around the corner, isn't it?
I remember your mom's pasta
I remember your blue bedroom walls
I remember your two dogs who loved me
I could walk there right now
what's stopping me?
on the way to where you've lived all your life
but there's a homeless man
on the side of the street
and now he's breathing alcohol into my face
"they'll come for you"
"they'll break you"
"they'll destroy you"
too late, right?
I destroyed myself
"what happened to you", I ask
he smiles, missing two teeth
his eyes are the horrible kind of sad
"I broke inside"
and now my eyes won't stop flooding like when Jesus made it rain for 40 days
"me too"