An Argument with Myself

An Argument with Myself (aka Identity Crisis) by Ryan P. Kinney I can’t do this anymore I’m manic with kleptomaniacy issues At 31, my body is beginning to betray my spirit Age is catching up to me with a vengeance I have a broken spine, a bum knee, carpal tunnel, and “significant” bone loss in my jaw And… Will you please shut the fuck up? You are a whiny little shit Your back may be broken, but you’re not spineless I’ve seen you stand straight and tall, even when it hurt Nothing has ever stopped you from moving A bad knee isn’t either Bone loss in your jaw? That won’t stop you from saying your piece Who are you? I’m that cocky super ego phallus replacement you drag around …6 inches…. From the ground. I know you You’re that impulsiveness that gets me in trouble The one that tells me to just do it Stop thinking The one that smashes my intuition and forethought like a raging Hulk You are the Manic Hammer I don’t like you very much Nah, You love me You just don’t know it yet You know I hurt the one’s I love I have more scars than virgin skin Nothing of me is untainted anymore I’m all alone You are not alone You are swimming in a sea of people But there’s not a drop to drink No one has everything you need Drink of pieces of each person And you will have more than you ever need. I’ve lost so much So many people Two hearts One is gone forever The other, I feel her slipping away Yeah, but you held them both for awhile It’s like the gods trying to hold the stars Sometimes, even they get burned Besides, you held onto the first for a long time Even if she wanted it back The other one is still playing tug of war with you You’ll just have to pull harder I’ve been used up, beaten, and fucked over pretty hard Remember those times you were fucked hard. Most of the time, you loved it I don’t know who I am anymore What I’m supposed to be I am stuck, stopped, stagnant. You are Ryan That used to mean something in this damn town I’m the one who’s kept you moving Kept you alive I kept you from pulling the trigger Or digging in the knife When Lisa left you in pieces I put you back together But, you hurt me as much as you help me And you are as pathetic as you are courageous You are stronger than you think I should know, I’m you I have credit card debt greater than the value of both my cars Because I’m addicted to stuff Stuff stays, people leave I hate the tedium of work But can’t survive in our capitalist conglomerate without it You work to get yourself to a better place You’ll come back as many times as it takes You’re not the only one dreaming of getting out of there Just the only one with an escape plan I cut my arms (More like scratches Because I’m too chicken shit to go any deeper) Just to get attention Hoping someone would notice and ask about my arms No one did Someone did. But she is just as broken as you And has no idea where to put your pieces Or even to ask where they go Sometimes, I just want to die Really, Death? That bastard has been on your heels since the day your mom popped you out Are you really going to let him win that easily? Yeah, he’ll catch you eventually But you’ll give him the run of your life And my family, Jesus, they suck One big curse of genetic white trash pretending to be middle class Thanks Mom, for teaching me to steal Thanks Dad, for giving up on yourself Thanks Shawn… Wait, Who the fuck are you anyways? Thanks for giving me no foundation for a family I can belong to, love, or even care about Yeah, your family sucks You got me there But they don’t define you You do Your mom taught you crime But you learned how to survive on your own Your Dad gave up on himself But you learned to never give up Your brother, well, He’s the you you could be if you keep up all this bitching, whining, and self-pity And, don’t lie to yourself You care about them Even when they don’t They are another piece of you It does not matter if you like them There is some home in that broken mess No matter how bad you fuck up They will never judge you They’ve done worse As for a family you can belong to, love, and care about You have a son I have no idea what to do with a kid I’m still a kid, aren’t I? Nope, you aged, Whether you like it or not I don’t want to grow up You don’t have to Not entirely But you do have to be a man How? You’ll figure it The same way you always do. Trial and error I’ve been fighting this for so long Alone I can’t anymore I have nothing left to fight with You have them You are not alone anymore Ask them for help You’re going to have to trust I don’t know if I can do that I’ve never done that I don’t even trust you, Myself She loves you because she loves your son She loves that piece of your combined hearts Trust in that. Have faith. I don’t have that either She’ll teach you She’ll find you. I need to protect her from you You’re never fully yourself You never let them meet me It’s no wonder you always feel alone You are a thief! So are you I don’t want to be you I’m coming through no matter what The more you wear this mask of innocence The guiltier we both become I don’t want to be a Kinney You want to make that name mean something You have that chance. There’s a brand new Kinney I’m scared What if letting her know about us scares her away? What if it costs me my son? I’m here with you, always She will be too But only if she knows all of us The piece you are giving her isn’t enough It wasn’t enough for Lisa You’re going to have to accept me We have to work together She has to know You can’t taint her anymore with our lies I…I… No, US. Now, get the fuck up Be a man There’s a little boy out there looking for one.

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