If I were to lose you,
Oh God.
If I were to lose you
I would run,
Run as fast as I could,
Until my chest gasped for air,
Until my lungs burned
And I couldn’t talk
And I would cough and wheeze
When I tried to breathe.
I would run while my aging knees
Threatened to buckle,
My shins burned, my hips failed,
Sweat pouring from everywhere
I used to be
Through the rain.
I would not stop
Until I found the forest clearing
A place where I have been
But maybe not when I was alive.
Only then,
When I got there,
I would bend over
Put my hands on my knees
And watch the sorrow drip from my face
I’d try to catch my breath;
Oh God.
I would try to catch my breath-
Breathing as deep as I could
Without coughing and gagging,
On the loss of you,
Oh God!
My eyes would burn
For my salty tears would
Never forgive me
And my shoulders would ache
From running so hard.
My head would pound
For there is no air
To let my mind spring
To where there is regret.
Each beat of my heart
Would echo in my ears and
Throb inside my temple
And I’d mistake it for yours.
I would not be distracted by the
Pine needles on the forest floor,
Nor the sound of a startled bird
While my nose would run
And each breath would
Sear at my throat
Until I coughed so hard.
I’d stand up straight
To wipe my face
And cover my eyes
But the dirt on my hands
Would blur my view
And sting and burn
While the scream from within
Me slowly builds.
I ‘d toss my head back
And look to the sky but
Will never see the sun
Through the branches
And the clouds,
And the rain
Filling my shoes.
I will think I know where I am
But in the real world
I will be so very very lost.
And I would scream!
I would scream the best I could
But only pain will be released until
My head would nearly explode,
Until my throat would bleed
And my legs could not
Hold me any longer.
I would drop to my knees
And sob.
And after a time
When quiet wins
I would hear the wind whisper
Through the branches and
The towering trees.
I would hear my heart beat,
And mistake it for yours,
Oh God.
I would feel my damp skin take a chill
From the dusky air.
I would look at my hands
Covered with mud, sweat, tears,
And imagine you,
And wait.