i cannot recall the last time
I could utter my thoughts without
being tripped up by undercurrents of terror and guilt and anxiety
surrounding my parents
my father can hardly even stand
to look at me anymore and perhaps
that is why I've smashed so many
mirrors and used them to hurt myself
instead
my mother throws words at me
like blows
and when I'm not supposed to be listening
the sounds of their voices creep
up on me and i am on my hands
and knees begging a god I don't believe in
to strip me of my hearing
because hearing my own mother
say that if I'm going to starve myself
it's a waste of money to even try
and feed me
eats away at my insides far more
than the hunger clawing at my stomach
and my thoughts are tripping over themselves trying get out from underneath the cloud of blame that storms on my parents
and I spend days upon days trying to ease them through this and be okay and I wind up with bruised knees
and a pale complexion
and an black tar heart